Friday, December 17, 2010

Hello. My Name Is Brenda, And I'm a Procrastinator.

I went into my account here at blogspot and realized I'd written a BUNCH of posts that I never published. Sometimes it's more important to write it out than to be heard. So I just tidied things up and deleted those. No point having them hanging around. Nine times out of ten those types of posts are of a bitching/whining nature.

Something that I'm really enjoying right now is both watching other people "growing up" and seeing how no matter how old I am, I'm still capable of an astounding amount of personal growth. When I was a kid I thought adults had it all figured out and were basically "done". The rest of your life was all about just "doing", or so I thought. Good thing that's not true or I would be seriously screwed!   hahaha    And truth be told I'm glad to not have it all figured out because I really have come to appreciate the beauty of the "journey" as opposed to focusing on the "destination". I love to learn, especially when it's self-guided learning. It's always liberating to realize you're capable of more than what you once thought you were. And comforting to find that whatever you may have failed at in the past has no bearing on what you can do today. And exciting even to see that those very missteps have actually contributed to the awesomeness that is you!

I have an extremely playful, downright silly side which I indulge often. If it isn't fun, I have trouble getting into it for the most part. I'm a firm believer that life is mostly for enjoying! That said, at times I worry that maybe I'm too focused on pleasure. I will procrastinate on the stuff that is a drag to me or that is frustrating for me (almost ANY kind of paperwork, dealing with any kind of insurance matter, taxes.....oh wait, make that TAXES!!!, talking to my mom, work issues, money issues, confrontation of any kind, etc). And I know that putting these things off isn't the best way to deal with them. For one thing it tends to put me into situations where my back is then up against the wall to get it done. Which only adds to the anxiety surrounding whatever it is. And more importantly, it allows the issue to hover over me, growing and producing even more stress by simply being there waiting in the wings for me. And besides, if I just got it over and done with it would free me up for even more fun. I always feel soooooo much happier when I get some disgusting, maddening thing out of the way finally.

So I'm pretty sure part of my own personal growth revolves around me dealing with this "icky stuff" procrastination. And the first step is recognizing you have a problem, right? Now for step two......making changes.    :)

Saturday, November 27, 2010

If You're Going To Dream, May As Well Dream Crazy!

This past summer, one day while we were in the pool, a thought popped into my head. And without even thinking about it first I blurted it out (this is not typical for me....I'm the type to think awhile before giving voice to something crazy). I said to Karin, hey what if we just gave up housekeeping altogether & hit the road in an RV full time? Think of the possibilities. We could go pretty much wherever we wanted to, whenever we wanted to. Want to see the fall colors? No problem. Want to be with the grandson for his birthday? No problem. Want to escape the summer heat by visiting either the northwest or the northeast? No problem. Craving the ocean? No problem. I could go on and on.

On top of the freedom to go, we would free ourselves from high rent, high utilities, and the upkeep of a home & all the stuff that fills up a home. The older I get, the less I enjoy being tied down by "stuff". We're both happiest when we're able to travel a lot and when we're able to be with our families & friends as much as we feel the need to. I have a young grandson that I haven't seen in over a year now. I'm tired of missing out on all the big moments. Our parents are all getting older now and you never know how much time you're going to have with them. The fact that they're all in good health right now is all the more reason to see them while we can. And you might ask, well why not just move back closer to them all? Because being in that environment all the time isn't the right thing for us either! We need to find a way to balance it all. We absolutely love Tucson and consider it home now. But we have wanderlust! I was born into it. My dad's family has been scattered all over the world. He was born & raised on a tiny Caribbean island. All of his siblings raised their families in other countries. And I was born in Africa. And then my mom's family, while remaining stateside, still managed to cover the USA pretty well. My Grandpa would get the "itch" and off he would go, traipsing from here to there. When my ex & I were raising the kids we traveled with them to all but three states. And so the travel bug has bitten them as well. Stacey has been in Costa Rica for going on two years now. Teresa has a trip to Ireland coming up.

It has become quite clear that neither of us does well in high stress work environments. We need to be able to feel we're doing work that matters and that feeds our souls. So step one in having the freedom to pursue this crazy dream is to not need to rely on a "crazy" job for income. Lowering our housing costs is the best way to manage that. And we took a baby step in that direction by moving into the townhouse. It was enough for Karin to leave her "completely insane" job. A little more downsizing and we can get me out of my "somewhat stress inducing" job. Make the jump to an RV and we really wouldn't need any permanent jobs. Karin's police pension and some supplemental work would do the trick!

So why not just go for it now? Well, there are some things that need to happen first. We currently have four pets, two dogs & two cats. Too many to take on the road with us, especially considering what poor travelers our dogs are. But the dogs are getting on in years. It's unlikely Mattie will be with us too much longer. At 14 she's already a pretty old girl for a lab. And while Dexter is younger at 10, he's living on borrowed time anyway (couldn't resist that)! We can use the dogs remaining time to gradually work ourselves towards on-the-road freedom. We also need to be able to come up with the funds for a suitable RV. That will take some doing for us. But one thing I know for sure, is that if this is what is the best thing for us, it will happen! We've learned that nothing is beyond our reach that is in our best interest.  :)  We also have to deal with the whole issue of drastically reducing our belongings. I'm actually pretty excited about this aspect of things. I imagine a great feeling of relief as the burden of "stuff" is lifted. I aspire to be the opposite of a "hoarder". I don't want to be without anything, because a great many things that one truly enjoys doing, require equipment of some sort to do. But let's face it. We all have way more stuff than we really need. And it is mostly there to distract you from really living. I'd rather "do things" than "own things". It will be quite a process to whittle what we have down to what we will be able to take with us. But it's truly possible. Karin learned years ago, after a tornado destroyed most of her stuff, just how much more important other things are.   :)

So for now we dream big while perusing ads for used RV's and reading up on blogs of other full time RV'ers. It's fun for us! Karin is working towards a new "career" path that is much more in line with her gifts & that could easily enough be done from wherever she happens to be at the time. I have had some thoughts of trying to make what I do be a bit more mobile as well. State licensing issues would be my biggest roadblock, but I know that it should be possible.

I can't help but think that our initial move out here to Tucson was the "defining moment" for us in that from that point on our lives have been a whirlwind of change in which each step, no matter how hard it may have been, has set us one step further along the path to where we long to be. I wouldn't trade any of it. We've learned so much, made deep friendships and grown together as a couple. I say let's keep that coming!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Can You Keep A Secret?

If you ever need to share a secret but need someone who you can trust to actually not go blabbing it to the world, I'm your girl! I'm really good at keeping secrets. Probably too good in fact. I'm pretty secretive about things that don't matter that much if someone knows. I keep stuff secret that most people talk about because I have this built in fear of judgement.  I grew up afraid to say what my dreams were, what my plans were and what  I thought about things. It wasn't an irrational fear then. My parents, my mom in particular, had their vision of who I should be and if anything I said deviated from that I was corrected and it was made clear that expressing those things was not going to be met with approval. So I just learned to keep things to myself. And it became a lifelong habit. Not such a healthy habit to have. It isolates me. I see how incredibly open Karin is, even with people she doesn't know well and it amazes me! Sometimes I even cringe when she does it, and then I have to have a little talk with myself. STOP IT BRENDA!!!  Yes, I talk to myself a lot.   :)    It really blows me away how much she shares with her parents. WITH HER PARENTS, FOLKS!!! Just a foreign concept to me. I keep waiting for her parents to tear into her and set her straight (hahahahaha......couldn't resist that!). But it never happens. They usually stand by her and support her and weird stuff like that. One thing is for sure. Me growing up the way I did made me very determined that my kids would not be afraid to say what they wanted to say to me. I always wanted to know the REAL them. And even if what they have to say doesn't gel with me, it's fine because it doesn't have to. They're being true to themselves which is what I would want most for anyone I love.

As time goes by and I finally become more aware of what I do and why, I am doing better at opening up. And I surprise myself at times by just blurting something out without all the anxiety of before. And everytime it happens with no negative outcome, it gets a little easier and more natural feeling. And it makes me feel good. And I like to feel good. Oh there's a secret for ya. I'm a feel-good junkie!   :)

Monday, November 15, 2010

Another Day In Paradise

99% of the time I love what I do for a living. Today fell into the 1% remainder that is pure hell. My clients run the  full spectrum of humanity pretty much. Thankfully, most of humanity knows how to behave themselves when going for a therapeutic massage. I admit, I have it better than some therapists. Middle-aged therapists have less trouble than younger ones generally speaking. I get dirty old men occasionally who make some lame comments but shut up pretty quickly. Today one of the front desk girls called me up in the break room to say she was booking me a walk-in who was giving off very strange vibes. Great. This can mean any number of things. Then she started telling me some of the things he had been telling her. For example, "I'm not straight but I'm not gay". ??????? Why would he even be discussing such a thing up at the front desk? Then there was just really off the wall stuff like "I have a PhD in Beeology". Huh????? So I go up to get him, dreading it each step of the way. He turns out to be in his early 60's, extremely large and reeking of smoke. I do my best to show nothing but confidence & that I'm in charge. I glance at his chart and see where they ask you what you're looking for in a therapist, he has written "open & spiritual". Fantastic. "Open" usually means...well.....waaaaaay open. Ya know what I mean? And then combined with "spiritual".....anybody's guess there! So I get him back to the room and the first thing out of his mouth to me is "Don't worry....I'm STD free". Well then. If that doesn't say it all I don't know what does. I ignore this comment and inquire as to what brought him here. He begins rambling about how he is falling apart, has not been taking good care of himself,  doesn't want any more pills, wants to "get in touch with himself again", etc. I do finally get him to show me some actual physical problems he's having, resulting from surgeries. Thank goodness, at least I have something to focus on besides his weirdness! So I go through the spiel about what he needs to do while I take his chart back upfront. I always make a big deal about not just telling men to get under the covers but actually hold the covers up to emphasize the "getting under them" part. It should be pretty obvious but I find too often that male clients either like to play dumb or really are just that dumb. You practically have to draw them a picture. And I told him to start out face down. I emphasized that too. He told me he had one request, he wanted to know if there was any way we could make the room cooler. I knew what he had in mind. He wanted there to be no covers on him! I told him no problem, I would turn the fan on. Then he wanted to know if I would be giving him a towel to cover with. This was AFTER I had instructed him to get under the covers. GOOD GRIEF! Seriously?! NO! Get under the damn covers (said more politely than that)!!! As I walked up to the front desk with his chart I even mentioned to another therapist that I'd probably find him face up and would be lucky if he was covered.  Well......I was right about the face up part. Of course. And though he was covered, he was covered at the barest minimum. I was pissed. He's laying there with the blanket thrown off and the sheet over his genitals only and about to fall off. First thing I did was to go over and increase the coverage of the sheet. Sorry dude. I am NOT working on you in that state. I don't even want to be in this tiny room with you for any amount of time as it is.

So finally I got to work on him. Not five seconds into things he comments that I must have lots of people who love me cause I have love in my hands. Yeah I don't make this stuff up folks. I swear I don't. And then a few minutes later he starts reciting Tennessee Williams stuff to me. Not sure what that was about! I spent a lot less time with him face up that I normally would. I desperately wanted to get him face down. I feel a lot more in control with a questionable client when they are face down. But I had to spend some time in his shoulder since that was where he was actually hurting. And there were moments there that were a little too close for comfort for me with him. And that made me sad. Because normally I love that feeling of "taking care of" and the way I feel the trust building and the relaxation that comes with that. But this was not like that at all. I did what I could, he said weird things like "you're helping me reconnect with my physical body". I guess coming from some clients that wouldn't sound so weird, but trust me with him it was just creepy!

Once I had him face down he finally got quiet and things proceeded pretty normally. In the end, nothing bad happened. Except that he purchased a years membership which means I haven't seen the last of him! And also he left me a tip that was just insulting considering the fact that he paid for his membership up front rather than the usual month to month payment plan. He had the money for that but left me a couple of bucks for a ninety minute session? And sadly I gave him my best, considering the situation anyway. I seem to not know how to blow someone off even when it's in my own best interest to do so. I'm too much of a people pleaser for my own good. Need to work on that! When I went back to clean up the room I realized how bad the smell had been too. I had to let the fan run during my break to air it out. Just gross. Mixture of BO, smoke & cheap cologne. I have now been informed that a lot more weird stuff was said upon his checkout at the front desk. I have yet to hear what was said. I can hardly wait. Ughhhhh.............

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Scars

Recently had a conversation with a coworker about scars. We see all kinds of scars in our line of work! She was saying how much she loves scars; sees them as cool. I'm kind of with her on that. With every scar there is a story. Some scars come from accidents, some from surgeries and some are intentional. Some people have some pretty extreme scars but make no mention of them as if they aren't even there. Others have what I consider to be minimal scars yet they go to great lengths to hide them because to them they are "disfiguring".  It's all in perspective I guess. To me scars show you've done some living. That you've been through stuff and maybe have had some interesting experiences.

One of my regular clients has this amazing full back tattoo. It covers her back entirely with not even any spots of skin showing through. At first I was in awe of the tattoo. That is until in just the right angle of light I saw what the tattoo was covering up. She has pencil thin straight scars covering her back all lined up perfectly. No way these scars are accidental! They are so light that you can only feel them when using very light pressure; just the hint of being raised when gliding over them. This all fascinates me more than the tattoo now. To make things even more interesting, I recently had a new male client with the exact same thing going on. Pretty much the same scar patterns and once again covered by tattoos. Guess who referred this client? Yup....the female client of mine! So like I said, good story there for sure. I've never mentioned the scars to this client nor would I. There is no reason to. I know how my version of the story goes. It may be accurate, maybe not. Doesn't really matter.

I have my own scars. Mostly they are surgical. And yeah, there are some stories to go along with them. Once upon a time I would have talked to most anyone about them. And in fact I did do a lot of talking about them. I don't feel like sharing quite so much these days though. No one would see them in my normal dress though, so it doesn't come up much anymore (I used to be quite the nudist...still am at heart). I used to obsess about making them less noticeable. I no longer even think much about them. And it's a good thing because I swear the older they get the worse they look.  The least noticeable is probably the one that goes all the way from hip to hip. And then there are the anchor scars on both breasts. Hard to believe but those come from a reduction. That was the most traumatic. Felt like my identity had been cut off along with a lot of tissue. Time has taken care of that. And enough weight gain to fill those puppies out to a more "Brenda" size. The worst scar is the one running from breastbone down to just above my belly button. It is just plain ugly. It has gotten redder and thicker with time. I still am not bothered so much by this. It's just a part of "me". The most interesting one to me is the barely perceptible one going around my belly button, where they literally had to make me a new belly button because they cut the old one away! How often does a person get a new belly button?  :)

 Although I really still don't feel like explaining all  my scars I can tell you that the the surgeries behind them all had a huge effect on me. And for that I wouldn't trade them for the world. And it's always fun to compare scars!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Good Business

Between what I've seen firsthand, from friends & family and what I hear from clients of mine, I'm dismayed by what the workplace has become for employees. Workers are in bad work situations that they are afraid to leave. A crappy job seems better than no job. Most feel they have limited or no options for bettering their situations due to the economy. Employers are very aware of the power that gives them and they pile on the abuses to save money.

I've heard some say this is just "good business". If it helps their bottom line than they are doing what they "should" be doing if they are smart business people. But what I think is this: if what you're doing is leaving your employees so stressed out that their doctors are telling them they must leave their jobs for the sake of their health, then that is not "good business". It is business without a conscience. And that is most certainly not good.

On the other hand, I never believe that there are no options available. Impossible does not exist. And it's up to us, not our employers to make it happen. We underestimate what we have the power to achieve. Fear is the only thing holding us back. Take the first step, even if it's a small step. See what happens. Did the sky fall? Did something positive happen? Did you meet someone new who has ideas for you? Did you stumble across something that gave you a tiny idea? Hmmmm. Now reevaluate and take another step. Continue in this manner until you find yourself removed from the crappy situation and realizing how much better life has gotten.    It could take just one step. It could take fifty steps. What does it matter if it leads you to where you want to be? I'm a pretty big fan of baby steps myself. I like testing the water and gradually immersing myself. But I do keep at it because I'll be damned if I'm gonna run screaming out of the water.   :)

Friday, October 29, 2010

I Am Not My Hair

I've always loved India.Ari's song "I Am Not My Hair". Even though the song is mostly about issues black women face with their hair, I relate really well to it. I've never been entirely happy with my hair (like this is news for most women!). But I think for me it has a lot more to do with how I am perceived by others than with simple vanity. My current hairstyle works better for me than any other I've ever had. But am I thrilled about that? Nope. And why not? Because it has lesbian written all over it. And one would think that with me being in a same sex relationship that would not be a problem for me. But it is. First off, I'm not a lesbian. I'm bisexual. And to ME there's a big distinction there. I don't like being lumped into a label by default that doesn't fit. And secondly, I crave massive hair. No offense to all the lesbians I know and love who rock their fierce short cuts. I think they look great on YOU! This isn't about not liking those cuts. It's just about me feeling that it doesn't fit my perceptions of myself very well.

The obvious question then would be "why don't I let my hair grow out already?". God knows I've tried! Over and over I've tried. I've even resorted to big ol' perms to try to make something of my itty bitty skinny baby fine strands. Chemicals suck folks. I managed to fry my hair that way. I finally swore off that madness and reconciled myself to working with what I have naturally. I suppose I could get extensions, but they are way expensive. Plus I know from working on clients scalps that have them, they feel yucky. I don't want my scalp feeling like a brillo pad. One good thing about my baby fine hair is that it is silky soft; the only good thing.

In my fantasy life my hair would be a thick mass of unruly curls. You know, the kind people bitch about how much work it is to try to tame. I am astounded that anyone would want to tame them! I covet that kind of hair. But it is not for me I guess. As soon as my hair grows as far as my chin, it refuses to do anything but lay completely flat and limp. And that is not going to be in any way attractive on a woman who is large everywhere else, or who is determined to not look like a homeless person. Yep....vanity. I may not be high maintenance but I'm not beyond caring about appearances either.

And so, I find myself resigned to having my cute little "lesbian" cut. It does work well on me. It's the easiest cut I've ever had to style. No complaints there. And it has attitude which I enjoy. Truthfully, if my hair must be short then I am happy to have found a style that I like. Bummer that people will make assumptions about me based on my hair that aren't true and that don't reflect who I really am. And God help me from making wrong assumptions about anyone else based on appearances. That may be my lesson here. I know I've been guilty of that before. And let's face it. Anytime something eats at you it usually is an opportunity to change your own attitudes.

And now for the lyrics to "I Am Not My Hair" by India.Ari

[Verse 1]
Little girl with the press and curl 
Age eight I got a Jheri curl
Thirteen I got a relaxer
I was a source of so much laughter
At fifteen when it all broke off
Eighteen and went all natural
February two thousand and two
I went and did
What I had to do
Because it was time to change my life
To become the women that I am inside
Ninety-seven dreadlock all gone 
I looked in the mirror 
For the first time and saw that HEY....

[Chorus]
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations no no
I am not my hair 
I ma not this skin 
I am a soul that lives within

[Verse 2]
Good hair means curls and waves
Bad hair means you look like a slave
At the turn of the century 
Its time for us to redefine who we be
You can shave it off 
Like a South African beauty
Or get in on lock
Like Bob Marley
You can rock it straight
Like Oprah Winfrey
If its not what's on your head
Its what's underneath and say HEY....

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
(Whoa, whoa, whoa)
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person?
(Whoa, whoa, whoa)
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend? Oooh
(Whoa, whoa, whoa)
Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity?
(Whoa, whoa, whoa)
I am expressing my creativity..
(Whoa, whoa, whoa)

[Verse 3]
Breast Cancer and Chemotherapy
Took away her crown and glory
She promised God if she was to survive
She would enjoy everyday of her life ooh
On national television
Her diamond eyes are sparkling
Bald headed like a full moon shining
Singing out to the whole wide world like HEY...

[Chorus 2x]

Sunday, September 19, 2010

In Search of Happiness

Since I last wrote here (well under a week), life has once again gone all topsy turvy for us. It boggles my mind how rapidly plans can change. Thankfully, I've gotten really good at taking it all in stride. Time was when I would have come unhinged at so much, so fast always coming at me.

Karin has been enduring a job from hell for the past five months. She found this position while looking for a *part time* job; something to supplement her police pension which is on the smallish side. This job however, was full time. But it spoke to her because it was the PERFECT match for her qualifications. Since coming to Tucson this was the very first time such a good fit came along, so she jumped on it. And being full time, the money would be an added bonus, especially since we've done nothing but struggle financially (and by struggle I do mean losing a house and each of us going bankrupt!) since moving here. We were excited to finally have the chance to get caught up and maybe even be able to do some saving for a change. But the dream was short lived. It only took a couple of weeks before she realized what a nightmarish place she had hired into. What was supposed to be a 40 hr work week became more like 50 hrs. Her days off more often than not required her to be there for training or meetings or coverage for short staffing. She went from not working at all to being at work constantly, and while there pretty much running her ass off nonstop doing the work of about three people. Most days she hasn't even been able to take a lunch break. The owner of the company is a micro-manager who can't even manage to run a thirteen employee operation without endless drama. Karin's position has been in existence for less than a year and she is already the third person to fill it. No one has been able to take the stress of the position. Karin is third in command there, but she is treated like slave labor. She is a supervisor but is not trusted to do that job. It's a complete joke. Both she & her immediate boss gave notice about a month ago that they were leaving. But the owner had meetings with them, found out their complaints and promised to make the needed changes to improve the situation. They both agreed to stay. And things were kind of okay for two weeks. And then it all went south again. I could go on and on about just how bad things are there. Makes my job look like an expertly run organization full of good will towards man.   ;-)

I should add that Karin took a big hit physically for the job. Within just a few weeks her stress level was through the roof and she was in pain. She had to see a chiropractor sometimes twice a day for awhile just to get her to where she could tie her own shoes. And then came the need for weekly massage which was so gut wrenching for me due to her level of pain that I had to turn her over to others; I just couldn't emotionally handle working on her anymore. She's much, much better physically now (thank you Lee & Rudi!!!) but still stressed to the max. Several days ago, she reached the end of her rope. I pretty much told her it had to end. The job was going to have to go once and for all. She was beside herself because she knew we wouldn't be able to stay in this house if she didn't have that job. But she knew she couldn't do it anymore. I told her I was fine with moving; her sanity was more important to me. We had to go round and round on this a few times before she believed me! Hell once I said it was fine I was already emotionally detaching from the house. Not a problem. It's just a building. It's a great house and the pool/yard are awesome. But it's been a lot of upkeep too. And up here in Oro Valley we miss being closer to stuff in Tucson sometimes.

So we decided to go out looking at apartments to see what our options were in trying to find something we wouldn't be totally cramped in with our pets! After two different rental houses here we knew they came with hidden costs like yard upkeep and higher utilities. And taking care of a pool? The chemicals alone are more than I want to shell out again if I can help it. We looked at a bunch of places in one day but came back to the first place we looked at. What we love about it: at almost 1300 sq ft it's only 300 sq ft less than this house, it has a decent walled in front yard space that us & the dogs can enjoy, laundry in the unit, rooms almost as big as here, a dog park, two pools (one of which is heated!!!), perfect orientation to the mountains & desert, and the biggie.....should save us about $400 a month between rent, utilities, & gas savings. Now Karin can leave her job and take her time finding a happier place.

There is always a downside of course. Now we have to move....again. Been in Tucson four yrs. now. And this will be our fourth residence here. I hate moving with a passion. And we are going to really have to cut down on our belongings since we won't have garage space for storage anymore. On the one hand I love the idea of thinning things out. We try to do that anytime we move to some extent. But it can be really hard to part with some things. And a lot of our furnishings are family heirlooms of Karin's. So it makes it challenging. One very good thing about this move is that we will have four weeks from the date of possession of the new place until we have to vacate this house. So we can gradually take over car loads of stuff and then only have to move the large pieces at the end. Oh another downside about the move; basically going to have to pay double rent for October. Will be paying for both places! Yuck. That's why Karin will wait to leave her job for a few weeks so we can cover that.

We are done being slaves to a house. We are done being slave labor to those who are greedy with their profits. We are done with not having the energy to enjoy life. We are done fighting stupid battles. Life is too short and we were meant to be happy!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Welcome to my world; have a seat, enjoy a beverage & let the show begin. :)

I decided to start a blog as a way to both stretch my writing muscles and to tear down, brick by brick, the walls I've spent most of my life building. I have lots of secrets!  I've practically made a career of hiding myself from the world. I've decided that all this self-censorship weighs me down; keeps me from being my truest self. I have lots of stories to tell. And hopefully, I'll learn a few new things about myself as I write. I like that idea  very much! When I set up this blog I put it into the adult content category because at some point I will include things of an adult nature. I don't see that being frequent though. When I do, I'll always put a disclaimer of some sort at the beginning....I promise!

So you may be wondering what the title of my blog means. I have this phrase tattooed on me. So I hear the question a lot. My first feeling at being asked what it means is that if you have to ask, you probably aren't going to get it anyway. And I kind of hate trying to explain it. It's intensely personal to me. It's a long story/short story thing where I could just give you the short story but you wouldn't get the depth of it's meaning to me. But to give you the long story would be ridiculously long winded and more than likely boring for you. I'd like to avoid that.

So short story is that while in a group therapy setting, we were given the task of creating a poster board depicting visualizations of our dream life; concrete and non-concrete things. We went through bunches of magazines to find pictures & words that we could cut out and use. I found this ad in a magazine that was for some RV association. The ad showed a couple inside their RV with a huge picture window out the back of it. Behind them was the most picturesque landscape ever. The kind that makes you think "I want to go THERE!". The tag line in the ad was something to the effect that life should be about the "goosebumps, tingly sensations & butterflies"; those moments that make you feel connected to the energy of life. Well, I had just left behind a life of doing the things that brought OTHER people those moments but that mostly missed the mark for myself. Taking those words to heart meant that for me, from then on, I wanted to be sure that I was filling my life with those kinds of moments.

I'm glad I got it tattooed on myself. It really does serve to keep reminding me. Everyday life has a way of distracting you from your dreams and numbing out the "goosebumps". But that phrase keeps me focused on the good stuff; the meaningful stuff. The stuff of my dreams.