Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Can You Keep A Secret?

If you ever need to share a secret but need someone who you can trust to actually not go blabbing it to the world, I'm your girl! I'm really good at keeping secrets. Probably too good in fact. I'm pretty secretive about things that don't matter that much if someone knows. I keep stuff secret that most people talk about because I have this built in fear of judgement.  I grew up afraid to say what my dreams were, what my plans were and what  I thought about things. It wasn't an irrational fear then. My parents, my mom in particular, had their vision of who I should be and if anything I said deviated from that I was corrected and it was made clear that expressing those things was not going to be met with approval. So I just learned to keep things to myself. And it became a lifelong habit. Not such a healthy habit to have. It isolates me. I see how incredibly open Karin is, even with people she doesn't know well and it amazes me! Sometimes I even cringe when she does it, and then I have to have a little talk with myself. STOP IT BRENDA!!!  Yes, I talk to myself a lot.   :)    It really blows me away how much she shares with her parents. WITH HER PARENTS, FOLKS!!! Just a foreign concept to me. I keep waiting for her parents to tear into her and set her straight (hahahahaha......couldn't resist that!). But it never happens. They usually stand by her and support her and weird stuff like that. One thing is for sure. Me growing up the way I did made me very determined that my kids would not be afraid to say what they wanted to say to me. I always wanted to know the REAL them. And even if what they have to say doesn't gel with me, it's fine because it doesn't have to. They're being true to themselves which is what I would want most for anyone I love.

As time goes by and I finally become more aware of what I do and why, I am doing better at opening up. And I surprise myself at times by just blurting something out without all the anxiety of before. And everytime it happens with no negative outcome, it gets a little easier and more natural feeling. And it makes me feel good. And I like to feel good. Oh there's a secret for ya. I'm a feel-good junkie!   :)

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