Goosebumps, Tingly Sensations & Butterflies

Not a Professional Blogger

2012-02-17T23:10:00.000-08:00

So how many times am I allowed to start off a post with "I've been a bad blogger" before it gets really annoying? I may need to find a new approach. The goal is not to annoy. This much I know for sure. I will never be a daily blogger. Number one, it feels too much like a job if I put deadlines and such on myself. And number two, how many of us actually have something relevant to say to mostly strangers on a daily basis? Okay, a few people maybe but not this girl! I would bore you to tears. I even try to limit my facebook updates so I don't wear out my welcome. :) But I would actually love to show up here semi-regularly. Say maybe weekly? Or at least several times a month. Enough to keep me working on my writing that I inflict on other people.

I've been in hyper reading mode of late. I had three books going at the same time. I'm about halfway through Life by Keith Richards. It's a really BIG book. So big that I can't take it to bed to read at night. If I did I would risk hurting myself if I should happen to fall asleep while reading. Trust me, I am all too familiar with being hit in the face with a falling book while reading in bed. But it is a really enjoyable read!

So for my bedtime reading I've been reading the Hunger Games series on my Kindle. Yup. A nice light weight Kindle! How awesome are those things? I have a ridiculously large number of books stored all one terrifically light little tablet. My face is safe. You might ask why I don't just get the Keith Richards book on my Kindle. Because the library has the hardcover for FREE. Duh. I am having a hard time bringing myself to pay for books I can get for free otherwise. Only reason I have the Hunger Games series on my Kindle is because my dear friend gifted me her older kindle already loaded with those books and many many more.

And then the third book is Why We Get Fat and What To Do About It by Gary Taubes. I won't give the ending away. I'll just say that the book is amazing in it's dedication to presenting the actual facts based solely on science. Boggles the mind how much BS the medical community has tossed out there as fact without anything to actually back it up. And because they are the supposed "authorities" we buy into it even when we can clearly see it doesn't work. You can bet your sweet patooty I will be working to change my eating habits to better align with how our bodies actually function in regards to what we do and do not eat. It won't be easy. At least not at first. And my biggest obstacle may be getting my sweetie on board with this. Ohhhhhh, she's NOT going to like it one teeny tiny little bit. But as a diabetic it will most assuredly be in her best interest. And I LOVES her so very much! :)

Look What I Made!

2012-01-31T16:18:00.000-08:00

I signed up with Pinterest many months ago but have only become active there in the last month or so. For those that don't know, Pinterest is a website that allows you to create virtual bulletin boards where you "pin" websites that are of interest to you. For example, recipes to try is a popular thing to pin. You share your boards with others and they with you. In this way ideas are shared between large numbers of people.

I've been spending quite a bit of time there recently pinning all kinds of things. Mostly recipes and craft ideas. Now since it's been time consuming, I've promised myself I would do more than just pin all this stuff. I promised myself I would actually USE these ideas! And I've been doing pretty good. I've tried (successfully) several recipes.

Back in my stay-at-home-mom days I was quite the crafter. I did all kinds of things from sewing to crochet to embroidery and more. I've just really not done much at all since the kids left home over eight years ago. But the desire is there. And it's been getting stronger! So seeing all these cool crafts on Pinterest has really pushed me to the point where I'm determined to get crafting again. But honestly it's been so long for some things that I feel extremely rusty. Like almost frozen in fear that I won't know what to do anymore. This is especially true for crocheting. So I am selecting projects that are at an almost beginner level till I get my confidence back.

One area I had only barely gotten started on back in the day is jewelry making. But that is the one thing I am most drawn to now. So I have decided to really delve into that. Once again, beginner projects only. I've spent a lot of time scouring boards for just the right things to try. Yesterday I picked up the supplies for one of them and actually made it today! It was super easy and quick. I think it took less than an hour and I now have a bracelet I love. I want to make more of them and already figured out ways to make them turn out better.

This is a cotton wrapped leather & ball chain bracelet that double wraps and uses a hex nut for closure. Next time I will use a thicker leather cord and a smaller hex nut.

Nothing fancy, but still with a lot of fun detailing. I love unusual uses for things like the hex nut closure. :)

And Now Introducing........

2012-01-28T10:27:00.000-08:00

So much stuff to share, I scarcely know where to begin! I could go in chronological order but that would mean delaying what I'm most excited about. May as well get right to it then. :) My second grandchild, beautiful Brianna Marie, made her entrance into the world in the early hours of the morning today! Baby and Momma are doing well and hopefully getting at least a little rest. These are the pictures I have thus far.

It's killing me to not be able to be with them right now, getting to know my granddaughter! But we plan to drive to Indy in mid-March. This will give them time to settle into their new family for a bit. We will also be able to celebrate Kaleb's fourth birthday then. We have had to miss his birthdays up to now. So we have much to look forward to!

Hopes & Dreams

2012-01-09T10:01:00.000-08:00

Day four question (coming at you a day late) is what is something you hope to do in your life. Now there are a great many things I hope to do yet in my life. But I think the two biggest things on my radar right now are to write a book and for Karin and I to switch to full time RV living. I'm in no particular hurry in regards to the book. But making the RV dream come true is another matter. This is the thing that I have to really actively focus on. I have to have a lot of faith that the universe is going to work with us to bring it about.

We've been focusing on this for the past year and half. It's not one of my "passing fancies". It's a very real, very earnest desire for the both of us. Whenever I think about it I get that feeling that it's what is supposed to BE. I'll never forget how when I first brought up the idea to Karin (and I hadn't even been previously thinking about it...it just sort of popped into my head right at that moment), she didn't look at me like I'd lost my mind. She was silent for a moment and then pretty much agreed it was worth looking into. Which we immediately did. Voraciously. Began stalking all sorts of websites and blogs relating to that lifestyle. It's been our main focus ever since. All the big things we've done since then have been to try to put us in a position to make it happen. We've covered a lot of ground but still have one major hurdle. Money. Just enough to be able to purchase a suitable rig. We would love to be on the road a year from now. So universe....is this in the cards for us? Patiently waiting...... :)

No Really, It's Okay To Be Human

2012-01-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

The question for day 3 is what is something that you need to forgive yourself for. I'm thinking hard about this and I can't really think of anything. I guess I don't view past mistakes as things to forgive myself for. They happened. They're over and done. I learned lessons. That's the whole point. This whole "forgiveness" thing is a lot of drama if you ask me.

When you do something that has some type of negative result, you are left to live with those consequences. You have two choices. Sit around and wallow in guilt and remorse or pick yourself up and move forward with the new insight you now have into how things work. It's the same for when you are the wronged one (or perceive yourself as such). You can have a pity party and refuse to forgive the evil one because they did such a terrible thing to you. Or....you could cut the drama and realize that you just got schooled. You now see more clearly how imperfect we humans are.

Every single one of us does things that bring about pain in ourselves and in others. Some of us learn more quickly how to avoid that. Some of us spend most of our lives pretty clueless. If your expectations are for impeccable behavior from people, you are going to be in an almost constant state of expecting forgiveness. Too much drama for me. How about I just expect to make mistakes and expect those around me to make mistakes. And how about when that happens I just acknowledge the humanity of it and deal with the aftermath as best as I know how and with as much grace as I am capable of at the time? No need to belittle myself by groveling. And no need to belittle another by putting them in the position of needing to grovel.

I Really DO Love Myself!

2012-01-06T22:00:00.000-08:00

Today's question is what is something that you love about yourself. Well that is more like it! We should all be asking this question everyday. And answering with something different each day. :) I love that I'm open to new things, whether it be new foods, new ideas, new music, new ways to live, new experiences, new sensations, new friends, etc. I hear so many people freaking out over things they've never even tried. If you refuse to try it, how can you possibly know it's not for you? I've really surprised myself a lot over the years. Things that were utterly foreign to me and that I thought had no place in my life, actually transformed my life for the good because I said 'okay...I'll try it". Change is how we grow, how we come into our true selves. Not everything you try will be a good fit of course. And that's fine. You'll still be better for having stepped outside of that darned comfort zone I like to talk so much about. :)

It's January. Let's Do This!

2012-01-05T17:11:00.000-08:00

It's a new year. I've got a new computer. And I'm ready to get back to writing. Thought I'd copy a friend and answer a question a day for 30 days. It's a ready made list of questions. Not sure I'm in love with every single one of the questions so I wouldn't mind someone throwing out one for me if you feel like it. Then I'll have a replacement for the ones I don't like. :)

First question is what is something you hate about yourself. Well. Let's just jump right in on a positive note, huh? ~smirk~ Thing is, I've been working mighty hard to NOT hate on myself. And doing pretty good if I do say so myself. And now I have to pick something anyway. Let's approach it like this. I'll think about things about myself that I find hard to love. heeheehee

Mostly I don't love the fact that I don't speak up for myself often enough. My preference for avoiding conflict leads me to put up with way too much. This has played itself out in most areas of my life but I feel it the most right now at work. It's so bizarre to me to see other people getting into all kinds of trouble because they don't know when to keep their mouths shut. Not that I want that problem, but sometimes it would be nice to not give a damn what anyone thinks and just say it! There is a balance to strike of course. But just stepping onto that middle ground is quite a step out of my own comfort zone.

I also don't love that my belly is waaaaaay fat and that my hair is skinny. But hey, thems the breaks. And the older I get the less I let it bother me. :)

It's Like A Resurrection or Something!

2011-12-23T22:34:00.000-08:00

I am brought back to life! I kid you not. After almost seven weeks absence I am back. Don't get too excited though. Not exactly ready to start pestering you on a daily basis. But there are signs of life.

We moved. Did I mention that? It was a killer. I don't want to ever do that again. Not like that anyway. I hurt myself physically. I drained myself mentally and emotionally. I wanted to go live in a cave. Except that that would require yet more moving! And my poor computer died. Not just got exhausted like me. DIED. So this is my inaugural post here on my brand new computer.

So like it's the holidays and all. I should have all sorts of Christmasy things to say. But I don't. You're lucky to be getting anything from me this year! We didn't send out a single card. We did not put up a tree. In fact we sold our tree. We have some pretty lights up outside. Does that redeem us?

We are getting ready to fly to Florida to spend the holidays with Karin's family. I'm pretty stoked. It's actually been way too cold here in Arizona. My bits are close to being frozen. I NEED WARMTH! Hoping by the time we get back here AZ is behaving itself.

I miss writing here. I still keep up with my daily writing for myself though. That's a good thing. But I promise once we get back I will do the right thing and breathe life back into this withering little blog.

Love, peace & joy to each and every one of you. Take time to treasure your loved ones. LOVE is more important than being right. Remember that. :)

Zzzzzzzzzzz.............

2011-11-07T22:26:00.000-08:00

I am a bad, bad, bad blogger. Not a single post in October. But I swear I have a good excuse! Life has just been coming at me very fast. I can hardly keep up. We're in the middle of our move. Been selling & buying on craigslist like crazy. That alone is way too time consuming. But it's also been very profitable! We have been lugging our belongings (what's left of them) over to the new place in car loads. Hoping to have movers get the big stuff early next week. So ready to be over there for good.

In the midst of this we had to put a dog down. She was an old girl and going downhill fast. And there have been other things we've had to attend to, like getting my car fixed. And I decided to try NaNoWriMo this year. Not sure what I was thinking there! Write a novel all while moving? Let's just call it a "warm up" for next year, cause I don't see it getting done this month.

And tomorrow is my oldest's 30th birthday. She's living in Costa Rica so I can't be with her for her day. I decided to put together an online slideshow of her life up to now. That was a huge undertaking right now too. But I wanted to do something special for her 30th even though we're so far apart. It turned out really well so it was worth taking the time to do!

I am really looking forward to getting settled into the new place and having some time for writing again. I'm falling asleep as I write this. :) Goodnight all.

Here We Go!

2011-09-23T00:28:00.000-07:00

No...not on the road....not yet! But we are going on an adventure of sorts. Karin & I both read A Complaint Free World and have begun the 21 day challenge (which usually takes much longer to complete I must add). We did great for the first day. Of course we started midday so we'll have to see how a full day goes. But still....a good start! It will be no small challenge. Even though I'm a pretty upbeat person, I didn't have to think too hard to realize the enormity of the task. And complaining isn't the only component of the challenge. Not gossiping is part of the deal too. And while I'm not one to go crazy with that, gossiping in this content means not saying anything about a person that you wouldn't say to their face. Okay....that's a toughie. But I think we're in the right frame of mind for this. We can laugh at ourselves when we open our mouths to speak and then shut them to keep the badness from coming out. It will be comical if nothing else. :)

Wish us luck!

God I Love Being a Woman! ;-)

2011-09-18T22:22:00.000-07:00

Wow...it's been over three weeks since I've shown my face here! I read other blogs, even comment from time to time...but just can't seem to get myself to sit down and write. Actually, that's not true. I write my morning pages most every day. But that's just for me. And it is really good for me.

I'm having some trouble though concentrating enough to write anything meant for anyone else's eyes. I'm in an interesting place these days. A place called "menopause" or officially "perimenopause" I guess. Either way it's a sucky place to be. I've actually been here for a couple of years already, but it's just now getting to the really fun part. The part where all kinds of scary physical symptoms pop up out of nowhere. And the symptoms I'm talking about they don't even bother to warn you about! We all know about hot flashes and mood swings and forgetfulness. But do they clue you into the fact that you might feel like you're having heart attacks, strokes, brain tumors and more??? Nope. More fun to watch you freak out I guess.

If not for an online friend sending a link to the mind numbing list of 35 possible symptoms, I might not have figured out what was wrong with me. I'd be just another "hysterical" woman in the ER thinking she's dying. Now that I know, I clearly see the patterns. Knowledge is power....and peace of mind! That said, knowledge is not exactly encouraging. From all the personal stories I have been reading, this is going to be a very long and very bumpy ride. Best fasten my seat belt.

I now know that the hot flash isn't the worst of it. It's what comes right before that is truly terrifying. All of the following have precluded hot flashes for me thus far (and we're talking about just in the past couple of weeks that I've even been having them): dizzy spells, pressure in the head, weird buzzy electric-like shock sensations in the head, and the grand daddy of them all - heart palpitations so bad I thought my heart was going to explode.

Today at work, I was massaging an older client who has terminal renal cancer. With this type of client we only do very light massage for circulation and relaxation. So I was not working hard. I was actually getting sleepy from the light work I was doing. All of a sudden my heart started to beat VERY fast and VERY hard! It scared the crap out of me. I began to panic. I had an intense feeling of doom and also of claustrophobia which is very unlike me. Then, as suddenly as it had come on, it stopped. It probably lasted no more than ten seconds, but felt much longer. The instant that it stopped, a wave of heat smacked me upside the head. And immediately I realized what the heart stuff was all about. The hot flash was a short one, only lasting a minute or so. I survived. Today was not my day to die. :)

I know as time progresses I will get used to it all. But right now I am just not a happy camper! I've been researching like crazy. Researching stuff always makes me feel better. I came across something that reminded me of a conversation I had with a client a couple of years ago but had forgotten about. She told me how she had learned that taking magnesium was helpful for hot flashes and that it worked very well for her. What I found out is that it is not only helpful for hot flashes but also for all other symptoms. It is the most important dietary super star in regards to proper hormone function. It is actually recommended that women begin supplementing with magnesium long before the time for menopause. The list of things it is helpful with is very long. And evidently, about 67% of Americans are deficient in magnesium. Interestingly, Japanese women have a very low incidence of menopausal symptoms. And guess what? Their diets are very high in magnesium due to eating a lot of sea vegetables which are exceptionally high in the mineral.

Not only am I going through this, but my partner Karin has been living with it for several years herself. She has killer hot flashes which we have tried various natural treatments for with varying degrees of success. None have been effective in the long term. She might do better for awhile but it always comes back. And now there are two of us in the same house going bonkers!!! You had better believe we're going to be trying out the magnesium approach. Got my fingers crossed. :)

We have too much going on to be laid low by all of this. I am determined to not let it overtake me. But do be patient with me. Sometimes my energy levels are just not there. Not enough to make myself write. I will do my best though. And I'll leave you with a couple of useful links for you or someone you know who might be struggling through menopause. The first is easy reading and information all women should have easy access to. The second is considerably more technical but worth digesting. One of the things I found from reading about other womens experiences is that the majority of doctors know diddly squat about menopause. It's up to us ladies! :)

http://www.project-aware.org/Experience/symptoms.shtml

http://www.thenhf.com/article.php?id=350

In Praise of Books

2011-08-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

Just read about this -http://www.mediabistro.com/galleycat/kurt-vonnegut-sarah-ockler-books-removed-from-missouri-high-school-library_b35249?clickid=0004ab59852eb7e20a8a8e0c8e870739. It's nothing new of course. We're all aware of censorship in schools. I'm so glad I never encountered that while growing up. Even with my strict, evangelical Christian upbringing I got very lucky on a couple of counts.

First, from the age of 10 to 13 I lived two houses over from the library. I practically lived there. It was like heaven to me. I took it all in. I read every sort of book. I explored all the sections from childrens to teen to adult.I got my sex education there. Which is a good thing considering my parents weren't about to go there except to say it's a sin unless you're married. And our schools at that time had no sex ed either.

I read classics, modern fiction, romance (never really did care for the Harlequin types though), mystery, farce, self help, etc. It seemed back then the teen section had a lot of books that revolved around drugs (in an after school TV special kind of way) as well as the occult. I ate that stuff up. Seems I was drawn to kids playing with their darker sides but always getting out before they were consumed by it. My parents should be happy. I swear that stuff scared me away from drugs.

But then again if they had had any real idea what all I was reading they would have taken my library card away from me. Pretty sure about that! I read some super hot sexy stuff, some pretty gruesome stuff and violent stuff on top of the previously mentioned no-no topics. As it was, at one point they had to limit the amount of my reading because I was not getting my school work done because of my book addiction. That cracks me up thinking about it.

Second, even though I went to public schools I got an awesome education. Because I was of above average intelligence I was put into their accelerated program. While the regular students suffered through bland reading books, we read REAL books. Lots of them. Challenging ones. And we delved deep into them. Even though I didn't always love the book assignments, I always felt grateful to not be reading the crap the other kids were stuck with. It pains me to see how the system has let kids down by not offering them the riches of literature; instead feeding them what amounts to junk food. I just see no reason why average kids couldn't have been reading real books too.

And frankly, I don't think our schools would now be banning great literature if the adults running things had been exposed to it themselves from the beginning. As one quote says (paraphrased) "once your mind has been stretched by new ideas it cannot shrink back to it's original form". We hold back mankind with censorship. While raising my three kids I was always thrilled to see them reading real books. And picking out whatever they wanted. I knew their horizons would be broadened and their lives would be enriched.

I feel sorry for the people who are so afraid of fantasy, of other types of living, of other ways of thinking that they need to hide it from everyone. Seems like it would be like living in a prison.

Busted Dreams, New Dreams

2011-08-17T21:13:00.000-07:00

The other day a client asked me what I'd done with my days off lately. I answered that we'd been cleaning out some closets and getting rid of a bunch of stuff. It's an ongoing process as we attempt to seriously reduce our belongings to a very minimal amount.

He said "oh yeah, I call that cleaning out my busted dreams". I got what he was saying. However I think for me it represents more of a change of dreams rather than busted dreams. I have held on to a lot of things that at one time were very important to me and that I could not imagine wanting to let go of. But so much as changed. I care about other things now.

So while it's a lot of work to sort through it all and lug half of it to a donation center, I'm pretty excited to be doing it. It feels good. :)

Tucson to Zion to Park City to Spokane.....

2011-08-09T22:54:00.000-07:00

It's been three and a half weeks since we got back from our road trip and I'm just now getting around to blogging about it. This is evidence of my strong procrastination abilities. But, since Karin just got her new Droid phone today (this is the very first smart phone to come home with us), now would probably be a good time for me to sit down and write my little heart out. She's going to be knee deep in that phone for a loooong time figuring it all out! It will be like I don't even exist.

I love me a good road trip. Yes I do! I like to SEE all that there is to see, not just fly over it. Flying is great when time is of the essence. But I much prefer to wander slowly. This was a great road trip. We covered a whole lot of ground (3,300 miles - Tucson to Washington, on to Montana and then back in just under two weeks!), saw a huge variety of landscapes, met new people and made new connections, had lots of great times with family and most importantly we confirmed our very strong desire to make traveling the country a lifestyle, not just a vacation. The only reason we felt compelled to come home was to get back to our stuff (especially our mattress) and to be with our pets. When you take your home with you on the road, you never have to be away from them.

I won't spend much time discussing details of the trip. There was just too much going on in a short period of time! I will let the pictures speak for themselves. I took about 1,000 shots which I then kept a little under 500 of. So what I'm posting here is a teeny tiny sampling only. Sorting through and editing pictures was a major chore for me when we got home. Lucky for me I enjoy that sort of thing, huh? :)

I decided to split this into two posts due to being so very picture heavy. The following is the first week more or less.

SCENES FROM THE ROAD- ZION NATIONAL PARK AREA

KARIN - BLENDING IN NICELY WITH THE LANDSCAPE :)

PARK CITY UTAH

RUN FOR COVER OR NOT?

ME KICKING BACK IN STYLE!

WHAT TO DO WHEN IT'S DRIZZLY OUT? LANCE KARIN'S INFECTED FINGER & SOAK IT! :)

Not posting much from Spokane. That was all family/wedding/baby shower stuff. It was GREAT; just not of interest to most of you! :) We were surprised by how pretty it was there. Loved the river running through downtown, and the setting for the wedding was just gorgeous.

ME CHILLING WITH NIECE & NEPHEW :)

I'll cover the second week of the trip next post. Stay tuned!

Go Poop On Someone Else's Party! :)

2011-08-08T12:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a friend on facebook posted a link to this blog post - http://www.fastcompany.com/1768515/how-positive-thinking-and-vision-boards-set-you-up-to-fail. I read it because I am a big believer in positive thinking and I wanted to hear what they had to say against it. I need to mention that the link now seems to take you to an abbreviated version of what I read yesterday. Much is left out in this version, which takes away from the initial effect it had on me.

While I would have to agree with what they say when taken literally, that positive thinking alone, will not get you closer to your goals, I take great issue with the overall tone of the post. Positive thinking (or visualizing success or whatever you choose to call it) is a tool, and a great one. Can we please not throw the baby out with the bathwater? In all the reading I've done on the subject I don't think I've ever heard anyone claim that merely wishing for things will magically make them happen. If there are people out there doing that, then they may very well be missing the point.

And I believe that the author of that blog post has missed the point as well if that's what they think of positive thinking and it's place in reaching goals. They state that "Negative" thinking, on the other hand, has gotten a bad rap. This is mostly because the people who advocate "positive" thinking lump all the "negative" thoughts together in one big unpleasant pile, not realizing that some kinds of negative thoughts are actually necessary and motivating. There is a big difference between "I am a loser and can't do this" (a bad, self-defeating negative thought), and "This won't be easy, and I'm going to have to work hard" (a very good negative thought that actually predicts greater success)."

My thoughts are , since when is acknowledging that something will be a challenge the same as a negative thought? That makes zero sense to me. That's in effect saying that challenges are negative things. NO No no......challenges are the very things that provide us with the most personal growth. They are good and necessary, not negative! So to my way of thinking (screwy as it may be), the author just contradicted himself. Am I that far off base in not viewing a challenge as a BAD thing to be dealt with? That's like saying that life is basically a negative thing cause let's face it folks, life is one challenge after another! If I went around looking at life like that (and for way too long I did) I would feel no hope in ever living the life I want.

Reading that post (the full one) had the immediate effect of causing me to feel despair. That may not have been the intent and I acknowledge that I am fully responsible for feeling that way (I was tired?). The good news is that after a few minutes of self pity I got over it. Once upon a time I would not have been able to pull myself out of that feeling so easily. The doubts would have taken me over to the point that I would have been immobilized. That was before I found out what a useful tool positive thinking is. Now I know that getting stuck in negative feelings is a sure way to keep me from doing what needs to be done. I am waaaaay more productive when I am feeling positive about life and my place in the world.

I am a regular reader of the Tiny Buddha blog. From today- http://tinybuddha.com/quotes/tiny-wisdom-on-choosing-for-yourself/. The quote this post is based on is "“Believe nothing no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense.” ~Buddha. Boy do I ever love this quote! And down in the comments someone writes "When experience contradicts what's written, follow experience. To me this is authentic living". That does it for me even more.

I have personally experienced the benefits of positive thinking in my life. I'm sticking with experience! And for the record, I use more than just one tool in my approach to reaching life goals. I'm really into using thankfulness as a way to open myself to all the good that is available. I'm also using the daily morning pages concept as taught in "The Artists Way" by Julia Cameron. And then there's this little thing called being flexible. That may very well be the single best thing in my arsenal. When I lose the tunnel vision and allow for possibilities that had not even occurred to me before, the most amazing things happen. :)

I am overall a picker and a chooser. I am a cafeteria style spiritualist. I do not believe there is any ONE right way. I do not follow any one faith or program. Through trial and error I figure out what works for me. And I in no way assume that it will work for anyone else. While I am happy to share my thoughts, I understand completely that the listener may either not be in a place to hear what I'm saying or may simply not be interested because they have something else that works better for them. And that is a beautiful thing. That we can all be free to express ourselves as different facets of the universe.

Inspired by a friends's facebook posting........

2011-07-27T12:42:00.000-07:00

There has been much said about the recent death of the singer Amy Winehouse. One of the things going around is why we are mourning the loss of a drug addled celebrity when there are the deaths of all those innocents in Norway that truly deserve our grief. And also what about the deaths of servicemen? Why don't we pay as much attention to them?

I will always mourn the loss of a talented artist. I truly believe that artists contribute at least as much if not more to the world than the military. There. I said it. I have nothing against those servicemen for sure. But I don't get why the military gets this free pass to our respect because of the JOB that they signed up for. I am not saying servicemen never do great things deserving of our respect and appreciation. And I feel deeply for the ones who signed up because of promises made to them by recruiters that failed to materialize. And the ones who felt they had no other options in life but to join up.

But this is the thing. I think it's been a very very long time since this country's freedom was actually at jeopardy. So this business of "freedom isn't free" doesn't gel with reality. Once upon a time, sure! In recent history though our military is more about doing the governments dirty work than "protecting" us from any real threat to our freedom.

Back to the Norway massacre victims. Of course they deserve our attention. But the fact that Amy Winehouse's demise coincided with the massacre is not a good reason to just dismiss her death. Oh sorry Amy! If only you had picked a different week to die, then it would be okay for us to mourn your passing! Really? How compassionate is that? We lose our own humanity when we pick and choose whose life is worth more.

The fact that she likely did herself in with drugs/alcohol doesn't lessen the loss I feel either. In fact it probably intensifies it a bit. It's such a pointed example of how human even a "celebrity" still is. You can have vast talent, resources, acclaim and still fall into a bottomless pit of pain. It makes me appreciate my own life so very much.

So here's to you Amy! A great talent with a lot of style, grit and honesty. You left behind a very small body of work but it was GREAT work! Thanks for being yourself and sharing that with the world.

We Might Never Go Home.......

2011-07-09T11:24:00.000-07:00

We are at the halfway point of our trip, so while laundry is washing/drying thought I would take a few minutes and touch base here in blog land. We have traveled from Tucson, AZ all the way to Spokane, WA. We have seen so much on the way that I almost felt like I was experiencing sensory overload! It's just been fantastic. We are like two little kids in a candy store. We scream and giggle and gasp around every bend almost. Is there anything better than a winding, twisting road that has something new to amaze you every time you turn your head? Nope. That's just GOOD STUFF!

For the first four days it was just the two of us. Now that we are in Spokane we are with a lot of Karins' family for several days. We are here for the wedding of one of her cousins, which is tonight. We checked out the location which is a city golf club. The clubhouse sits on a bluff overlooking a canyon, where the golf course is. It's sooooo pretty. Karin's cousin works there. The wedding is going to be very casual, much to my relief. The older I get the less I enjoy fussiness. It's like I just don't have the patience for it anymore. I used to LOVE getting all dressed up and doing all the hair and makeup and accessories and just all of it. Now....not so much. I like to look as good as I can, but with minimal effort and minimal discomfort and minimal expense. So yay for casual weddings!

We will be heading into northern Montana tomorrow afternoon. Us and Karins' immediate family are going to Glacier National Park. I've been there before with my ex and the kids. It's a gorgeous high mountain alpine setting. The main road across the park is still not completely free of snow. We've been watching updates on the progress of that. It is very unusual for the road to not be open all the way this late in the summer. We've got our fingers crossed that they will have it open by the time we arrive, or at least before we leave. We'll be camping in a cabin outside of the park at a lower elevation. It will be much warmer but still quite cold at night, especially for us desert dwellers.

We are taking a different route on the trip back home. Actually going to go through Vegas since Karins' brother hooked us up with a cool suite there. He has taken great care of us on this trip. Three of our nights lodging is being covered by him, and all at amazing places. The kind of places we would never have gone to on our own. He did the same thing for Karins' other brother as well. We are loving it!

Going to leave blog land now and get back to all the fun here. Adios amigos!

Soul Food

2011-06-29T11:36:00.000-07:00

Something that has come out in my morning pages writing is that I really need to take a careful look at who I am allowing to be a regular part of my life. There are too many instances where I will hang with someone, read someones writings or make frequent contact with who really adds nothing positive to my life. And all too often they bring a lot of drama or negativity into it. My contact with those people needs to be either eliminated or seriously curtailed. I can see where that might sound elitist or cold. But it's not a matter of being mean or being judgmental. I can be kind to these people, show them goodwill, wish them well and then move along. The point is that I don't need to feel compelled to bring them into my inner circle, to give them a front row seat to my life. I need to reserve those spaces for those whose values are more closely aligned with mine. This does not mean I only want to be around people just like me; I adore being with people who are different enough to show me new things and new ideas. But there needs to be an underlying vibe there that supports my growth as a person rather than detracts from it. And vice versa.

I'm planning to go through my facebook friends lists and see where there are those who I am hearing too much crap from and either remove them or at least hide them from view in my news feed. Even though I try to just ignore it, if it's there in your face all the time you can't help but be adversely affected by it. Even just the act of scrolling through the junk gets old. This includes some pages I have liked because I support their causes. I like to hear news on these issues but if it is overwhelmingly lashing out at adversaries then that begins to feel like a gigantic suckage of good energy into bad energy. Yes, I just made up my own word. Suckage. I like that! And I'm tired of being drawn into heated exchanges between different sides. I just don't need that. It distracts me from doing what I want and need to do.

I follow a lot of blogs too. And while most of them are not negative and they each relate in some way to stuff going on in my life, some just aren't bringing anything enriching to the table either. Those need to go. When I'm getting into something new I have a tendency to want to read EVERYONE to try to soak up as much info as I can. But once I have a better feel for things I need to cull out the ones that don't completely captivate me. There is no reason why I can't learn for people who also share my values! And I'd rather throw the support their way. I've come across a few blogs recently that really do it for me. I want to hear more, more, more from them. It's like comparing Adele and Pitbull. I am drowning in a sea of Pitbull when what I want is Adele. So out with the cheap imitation and in with what feeds my soul!

You're Okay. No REALLY. You Are!

2011-06-23T13:19:00.000-07:00

~Youth has no age.~ Pablo Picasso

I hear a lot in my line of work. And something I hear way too much of is self-loathing. "What have I done to myself now?" "Getting old is terrible." "I am so fat. I apologize for my condition." "Please don't look at my awful varicose veins.""I'm sorry I haven't shaved my legs. I just haven't had time. I feel so bad." And the list goes on.

When you come in for a massage, you are not going on a date. You don't need to look perfect. Clean is always appreciated of course! But beyond that I really don't care. It doesn't have much of anything to do with anything. By bringing up these things you are just announcing to me that you are not comfortable in your own skin. I wish I could help my clients deal with their negative self-perceptions. But honestly it's not in my scope of practice to do that. I'm a massage therapist, not a psychotherapist! But it still kills me to see the degree of self hatred some people have.

I have one client who I have seen periodically over the years who is a woman probably about ten years older than me. When she first came in she could barely walk. After being in an accident, she had to have spinal surgery. It left her in a lot of pain. What with being unable to withstand much physical activity she gained a LOT of weight. That in turn put a lot of stress on her knees which made activity even harder. This is a common scenario that brings clients into us. A cycle of pain that seems impossible to stop. Naturally this takes an emotional toll on the person. The biggest thing about this client that stands out to me is the way she drones on and on during a session about getting "old". She says to me "never get old Brenda", "it's a terrible thing to get old", "they should warn people about getting old". It's a never ending loop of negativity about aging. I have the feeling with this client, that even if she wasn't in this cycle of pain she would still be negative. I think this because in the last year there has been considerable improvement in her condition. Weight is coming off, she is getting around a lot more and I can tell from our sessions that she is able to handle so much more bodywork. But nothing has changed at all in the attitude! She harps on herself incessantly.

~Soul is form and doth that body make.~ Ernest Holmes

There is another client I recently saw for the first time. She is my age or maybe slightly younger. She is my size overall, weight distributed differently but overall close (so we're talking considerably overweight....yeah I can say that about myself and not be negative!). She spent the entire session chastising herself for being so fat. She told me how she used to be fit and play tennis and that there used to be muscle under the fat. Now apparently the fat has just gobbled up those muscles (it's a wonder she can stand up on her own two feet....okay, that's me being sarcastic). As I would move on to a new area of her body she would mention the fatness of that specific area. "Oh my fat wings, maybe you can rub all that fat away", "oh my cottage cheese thighs", "have you ever seen such a fat ass?", etc.

Wow. What does one even say in response to all that? I'm sure as hell not going to join in. I might like to say something like "well if you hate your body so much why don't you do something about it?". But that would likely get me fired. And even trying to word it more "nicely" still crosses the line of what my job is. Maybe she assumed because I am fat too that she would have a kindred soul to share her angst with. Not happening here! I got over that years ago. My body may not be in ideal shape but it's still my body and it is the vessel that carries the heart of me. I will not treat it with hatred.

~Begin to see yourself as a soul with a body rather than a body with a soul. Look at those indicators of aging as merit badges and try to look past them into the part of yourself that has never aged and never will. ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer

What I have noticed is that this form of self-abuse comes almost entirely from women. In this day and age of anti-bullying campaigns, I think we could use a little more focus on not bullying ourselves. But the message out there has not changed. Women are for looking at. They must stay young looking and thin. Anything else is just not acceptable. And women soak up that message and take it to heart from a very early age; even before they are women, still just girls. It's craziness. And we allow it.

I have other kinds of clients of course. They are a joy to see. They come in all shapes and sizes and ages. They are a joy because they love themselves. They might occasionally make little jokes about their age or their shape. But you can tell those jokes come from a place of self-acceptance and love. There is a twinkle in their eyes when they say it. More like they are letting you in on a private joke that only the lucky imperfect ones would get anyway. Oh those poor flawless beings! They have no idea of the character that imperfection builds! Giggles....... We are happy to just be normal and unique and at peace.

My Secret Phobia

2011-06-16T17:12:00.000-07:00

I don't have a lot of phobias. There are things I fear of course, but for the most part they are healthy fears or what I would rather term "common sense caution". But I will confess right now to an extremely ridiculous phobia that I have. Ridiculous as it may be, it is very real and makes certain aspects of my life....well, stupid frankly!

We are a society addicted to phones. Not content to have access to them only at home, we now are tethered to them 24/7. And we use them for a bazillion things other than merely having a conversation. And I'm pretty cool with those other bazillion things for the most part. Especially texting. I love texting sooooooo freaking much! Why? Because it means I don't actually have to speak into the danged contraption. Sigh......there, I've said it. I will go to great lengths to avoid actually having to talk to someone on the phone. The thought of it makes me feel a little woozy. There are a small number of people I am completely comfortable talking to on the phone; they are my partner, my kids and those friends I have known the longest. Outside of that I would really prefer to just text. If my phone rings and it shows up as a number not in my contacts, I will not answer it. Period. They can leave a voice mail and then we'll see. This is a tactic lots of us use but for me it's not only about avoiding those we don't want to communicate with at all. It also has to do with my general dread of a phone conversation.

The absolute worst for me is needing to call someone that I don't know at all. Such as when I need to schedule an appointment. Or call to get information I need. Or deal with a customer service person. Where this gets to be a big problem, is that the fear is so strong that I will put off making really important calls for things that really should not be taken lightly. For instance, putting off calling to schedule medical appointments. Or not calling about something that has the potential to affect me financially.

Typically, I will make the call when I absolutely must. Many years ago I had a close friend that was going through a very rough patch. I talked to him on the phone frequently. We had a conversation in which I became very concerned that he was suicidal. He lived over an hours drive from me so I couldn't get to him myself quickly. Not knowing what else to do I hung up from him and immediately called a suicide prevention hotline. I didn't even hesitate then. I just did it. They were great and gave me the information I needed and reassured me that he was most likely not going to hurt himself, but that it would be best for me to go ahead and drive out to him if I could. I was so glad I made that phone call. And so glad that in what felt like a life or death situation, my phobia did not stop me from doing what I needed to do.

This is the very first time I have told anyone other than my partner about this fear. It's a pretty embarrassing thing to admit to. I feel like most people would think it is incredibly foolish to be afraid of such a silly thing. And I have never really thought that anyone else had this problem. But recently I encountered someone else who admitted the very same thing. I was so surprised because she is a successful business owner and someone I respect a great deal. I decided to do some investigating and learned that this is a very real anxiety disorder. It sometimes goes hand in hand with general social anxiety disorder but not always. It comes in varying degrees. I am not alone!

I learned that it is common in those who were extremely shy as children, which includes myself. While I got over much of my shyness and do fine interacting with people face to face most of the time, the phone phobia has lingered on. What amazes me is that once I actually make the call I almost never have any fears during the conversation. I am fine. And relieved. So with a lifetime of experiencing nothing bad happening, why do I continue to feel so anxious about making a call? Just the unknown I guess. And maybe THIS time I will sound like an idiot. Who knows? I found websites that actually address how to cure yourself of this problem. Most of the tips are things I already do to some degree at least. Like having a script of what I want to say so that I won't have to think on my feet as much. Also psyching yourself up by recalling previous phone experiences that went well. Sometimes the only thing that does it for me is that I have to just WANT whatever it is bad enough to put myself through it. I usually will eventually make the call. It's just a long drawn out thing where I avoid, avoid, avoid, and avoid some more until my back is up against the wall. It would be nice to not go through that in the first place. Every now and then I surprise myself by calling right away. But not often enough!

The End

2011-06-14T13:44:00.000-07:00

My creepy admirer will not be harassing me any more. I am relieved. And annoyed that he became such an issue. The owners wanted my bosses to have a chat with me yesterday. This is what I found out:

~ The owners would have preferred that I had stopped the session. Even though I did NOT feel that was what they had led me to believe I should have done in this case. I felt they had been clear that I was only to stop the session if I felt a line had been crossed, not if I was only getting weird signals from the client and that limits were being tested. Sigh....

~ The big reason I think why they wished I had stopped things is that he has absolutely refused to see another therapist, even at a different location. Because of this they decided to refund him his membership fees which had been paid in full for the year. Had he just quietly agreed to see someone else, they would not have had to have "the" conversation with him about why I would not be available to see him and things would not have escalated to this point. Well how was I to know? I still think I did the right thing.

~ I was told that from here on out if I feel uncomfortable with a client at all, just end it. Okie dokie! I kind of wish I had that in writing. I can just hear them changing their tune.

~ One of the owners had a conversation with him in which he was furious at what was going on. At first he was telling them they needed to fire me! And then he changed his mind and told them that I had such a gift and needed to be able to continue my work. Then he got sad and said he was heartbroken because he thought we had such a spiritual connection. Oh my. It is bad enough that he had told me that. And then he shared that with one of the owners? And she felt sorry for him!

~ I could have lost my job if I had agreed to put the self-tanning lotion on him! I knew it was a bad idea but did not know it was something they would have taken to that extreme. I'm thinking maybe they should have a clear cut policy on that type of thing if that's how it would have gone down. Good grief.

So that concludes (hopefully) my most recent work related drama. I try so hard to keep fly under the radar there and mind my own business and just generally do my job without getting entangled in the politics of the place. So here's hoping I can just get back to that!

The Saga Continues

2011-06-10T16:21:00.000-07:00

Last fall I had a difficult client at work. To refresh you memory check here: the first visit . Almost seven months went by without a visit from him. I think I assumed he had realized he wasn't getting what he came for and went elsewhere. Then last weekend I went up front to get a client. And. There. He. Was. Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap. I hadn't recognized his name but as soon as I saw him it all came back. So back we go to the room. I am in no mood to even try to be nice this time around. I see on his chart that only one other therapist is listed as having worked on him. And nothing from his visit with me is there. So I know that this is not the original chart (most likely misplaced by front desk, an all too common problem which leaves us with no record of prior care to go on). This means I have absolutely no idea how many therapists have dealt with him and no way of knowing if any of them had any problems with him.

So he is carrying with him a bottle of lotion. Not too unusual. Some clients bring their own and request that you use it instead of what we have. Not a big fan of that because so often whatever it is does not work well for massage. But whatever. When he hands it to me I realize it is sunless tanning lotion! He gives me this sob story about how he can't be in the sun because of medication he takes and that he is ridiculed for being pale (please remember, this is an older man....not some kid). He lives alone and has no one to rub this stuff on him so that he can look tan and healthy. I am not exaggerating when I say he was practically crying about this horrible problem. I calmly explain to him the reasons why me using this lotion is a bad idea.

1. Absorbs in very quickly which means it will make a lousy massage lotion
2. Will stain my own hands and arms
3. Will stain our sheets

And number 4 I did not tell him but wanted to scream.......I am not paid to be your tan applicator! There are places you can go where that is what they do...spray nasty chemicals all over your body to give you a fake tan! Go there for crying out loud!!! Sigh......... Then he starts begging me and actually arguing about it. Oh and then, he tells me that the last therapist he saw shorted him 20 minutes. So he takes out a stop watch and starts timing me! Never mind the fact that *I* wasn't the one who shorted him, I have been officially informed that he will be keeping tabs on me. Yeah, I am just done with him at this point and we hadn't even started.

Finally I get to work on him. He is lying face down to start. He has the blanket off again, no big deal. I just have to be more careful. The sheet is just sitting below his butt crack. Our protocol is no butt crack visible. As you're working on a client it is extremely common for covers to shift around somewhat, exposing some butt crack at times. It's usually no big deal, no cause for alarm certainly. Just cover them back up, no harm done. With this guy I know I will have to be VERY diligent in keeping the upper hand and in not letting him think for a split second that I am cool with ANY slips. So right from the start I am yanking that sheet up over him further. And as I work he keeps in almost constant motion, first raising up one hip and then the other, till that sheet sure enough slides down. I keep yanking it up. After a few times he says to me "Brenda you don't have to worry about the sheet. I'm not embarrassed.". I replied, very professionally, "That may be but I have to keep you covered." So it happens again. I pull it up again. And he says "I'm really not bothered by it. You can leave it down". I tell him very emphatically "No, I cannot work on you uncovered". I'm about ready to pull the plug on the session but he finally settles down and leaves things alone.

There is occasional conversation in which he asks me if I'm married (of course I lie and say yes cause I'm not stupid!), and do I give my husband massages. Now it should be noted that many clients ask similar questions. But they are not clients with a history of creepy behavior. Makes all the difference in the world! He also asked me if it's different working on men than on women. Okay that question seriously creeped me out. My response was "no, there is no reason why it would be". To which he replied "hmmm....interesting". Interesting? Really??? Why? It's not like I'm having sex with my clients you cretin!!! And truly what I would like to have said is that yes it IS different, because I have never had to deal with this crap from a female client.

When I had finished up working on his back/neck/shoulder area while face down, he all of a sudden says to me that he is going to be getting an MRI. I ask him why and he says it's because he was in an accident a couple of days ago. Oh hello! You tell me this AFTER I work on all those nice areas which quite possible are injured??? If that's even true though, because he couldn't seem to remember which day it happened on. And he hadn't been looked over but in a phone conversation with his doctor he was told he should have an MRI. All sounds really weird to me. But the point is I can't trust this client to tell me important things.

Then when I had him face up a whole new problem arose (no, not THAT....lol). He fell asleep. Which normally with a client like this would be a blessing. But in his case it made things more difficult. I soon realized he had pretty severe sleep apnea. He would stop breathing. And I would have to watch him carefully to see that breathing resumed. Many times he would go so long that I could see his whole body begin to struggle for oxygen. Then I would have to go and reposition his head to get his airway opened up again. One of the times he came around and complained about the sleep apnea. Of course he had not bothered to inform me before the session that he had this problem! So then I knew that he was aware of the issue. That really pissed me off. I give clients every opportunity to let me know about things like that before we start.

When I had to wake him up to let him know we were done, he yelled out "what! 90 minutes already???" I said "nope. 80 minutes of hands on time is what you get here". I didn't even begin to apologize or be nice about it either. I was so fed up by then. But when he was leaving he practically bowed down to me while telling me how awesome I was, that I was the "master", a "goddess", that I had taken him to five levels of dreaming (no....I don't make this stuff up, I swear!). I was thinking "more like five levels of oxygen deprivation"! He said he never wanted to see another therapist ever. That he would follow me always. GULP. Things is, I know this time that it wasn't because I did a good job. I did nothing but go through the motions this time. I was seething silently through this whole session. So when he stood there saying all those things it felt more like being told "I own you bitch". I got news for him. If he ever comes near me again he will be sorry.

We have a form at work that we fill out if we need to request to not see a certain client again. This is for cases like mine where the client didn't actually DO anything like grab me or ask for sexual favors or touch himself. In those cases we end the session, leave the room and management handles it from there. But in my case I fill out this form documenting my reasons for not wanting to work on them again. And I guess then if they get enough complaints they get rid of the client (theoretically). We just had a meeting a few short weeks ago where this was the main topic of the meeting. The owners tried to assure us that they would always see to it that we never had to feel uncomfortable or worry about being assigned to these people again. So coming off of that meeting I was cautiously optimistic that things would be handled quickly and professionally. Oh I really should have know better! I filled out the form before leaving work that day. The assistant manager who took it said she would give it to the manager. When I checked my upcoming schedule I saw that this guy was already back on my schedule for just a week later. I kept calm because I knew no one had had a chance to take care of it yet. A couple of days ago I gave my manager a call to see what was going on. She hadn't even heard about it! There is a book that all incidents are supposed to be put in so she can look through and know what's going on. It hadn't been put in there. So she told me she was going to get it dealt with right away and didn't have to worry. I would most assuredly not have to work on him again. Today (the day before he was on my books again) I got a call from one of the assistant managers. He said he had called the guy to get him to reschedule with someone else (they waited until the day before???). The man was adamant that he did not want to see anyone other than me. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that this guy has been a problem for other therapists and they were much ruder to him which is why he insists on seeing me. That's what I get for trying to be professional and calm. So this assistant manager asked me if I would be okay with working on him one last time. WTF??????????? No...I would NOT be willing to do that. I told him under no uncertain terms I had been promised that I would NOT be asked to do that. I held my ground. He said he would hand it over to the manager. Yeah. You do that buddy.

If I walk into work tomorrow and that man is still on my schedule I will turn around and walk back out. End of story. Stay tuned. :)

Always An Apple

2011-06-08T00:17:00.000-07:00

I'm a massage therapist. It's a great profession for me. I'm extremely comfortable touching human bodies (the living breathing ones anyway). There are all kinds of interesting things about what I do. One of those things is the exposure to such a wide variety of body types. This is a huge drawback to a lot of people. But I like it. So many people are icked out by anything "unusual". Although I would argue that it's probably not that unusual. It's just not what we are exposed to in the images we are bombarded with in the media. As someone with previous experience in the nudist lifestyle, I had a jump start on what to expect. Trust me, it's not just the "beautiful" people who enjoy being free. The media absolutely sucks at being realistic. And that is a dirty rotten shame. They could be using their power for good, like helping people to be more comfortable in their own skin. But instead they just amp up the self loathing for people who honestly are FINE just the way they are.

To take this to a more personal level I'll tell a little story. My home massage studio is a guest bedroom that has great big mirrored closet doors. So while I'm working I can watch myself. It's a little strange. I use an exercise ball as my stool when I am sitting down. So I look into the mirror and see this big ol' ball. And sitting on that ball is my roly poly body. My mid section is just like another big round ball on top of a big round ball. It kind of cracks me up. I could just get all depressed about that. But the thing is, I also see that same body doing some great work. I have some pretty sweet body mechanics going on. I am pleased to see that. I move well and give a nicely flowing massage. My body, the same one that doesn't meet with approval from the general population, is more than capable of doing a great many wonderful things. And then there's this. Even when I weighed a lot less, my shape was the exact same. Proportionally large mid section with stick arms and legs. That's just my shape. Apple. Sometimes I'm a large apple and sometimes I'm a smaller apple. But I'm still an apple. So my apple-ness is a part of me. I may as well embrace it.

I'm going to be brutally honest. Bodies that all look basically the same.....are BORING! Do you only want grapes in your fruit salad? Come on....you know you want some pears and apples and strawberries and pineapples and melons in there too! Please....keep (and love) some of what makes you different. It makes you memorable and interesting. It gives the person seeing you something to notice, something to become fascinated with. Yes.... get healthy. But realize that part of being healthy is being accepting of yourself and that which makes you YOU. And don't hide yourself away from the world. Don't be afraid to have people take pictures of you. The more you hide; the less realistic of a picture we have of humanity. Be proud. Be visible. Be real. Show the world the truth.

Cool & Calm

2011-06-06T23:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the air conditioning went out on my car. On the 1st over 100 degree day here in Tucson. Of course. But the good news is that I am not freaking out over this. Don't yet know what the problem is and frankly am just not even going to deal with it until we get back from our trip next month. Right now our funds are tied up in that trip. Our neighbor says she has a very good AC repair place that is very reasonably priced. Will take my baby there next month and find out what the damages are and deal with it then. Right now I only HAVE to drive my car twice a week for my short five minute commute to work. So I can survive that I am pretty sure. The rest of the time Karins' car will take us where ever we need to go in air conditioned style. I'm pretty darned proud of myself for not going all postal over this. It's just another blip on the radar, ya know what I mean? :)

New Tricks

2011-06-02T19:56:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd do something new. Came across a list of writing prompts online and thought I'd try that out. I'm also adding pictures for the first time. Cool beans! This the prompt I decided to go with.

Have you ever done something just to feel the danger, or to feel alive?

Danger is not something I've really ever sought out. I was a very cautious kid. At the same time though I was most certainly a thrill seeking kid. Roller coasters were my idea of heaven. I liked to swing so high that the swing set started to come up out of the ground. But those things didn't feel dangerous to me. They were just fun and felt like what I imagined flying to feel like.

Fast forward to adult life. Still not really into danger. But......I have become rather fond of facing fears and doing things I never would have thought I had in me to do. And doing those things did very much make me feel alive. And that is a very good thing in my opinion.

One summer my ex and I took the kids to the New River Gorge in West Virgina which is home to some of the best white water rapids as well as being a big place for mountain biking, rock climbing and rappelling. I wasn't planning on anything other than the raft trip for myself. That was going to be pushing my limits as it was. So we did the raft trip. Oh boy did I ever feel alive! Kind of like they told us at our orientation, this isn't a ride at Disney World. No sooner were we in the first scary section than I was tossed overboard. Hoo boy....the adrenaline was flowing! I wasn't exactly alone. A lot of rafters got tossed there. And we all survived. Thought they'd never get my butt dragged back up into the raft though. It was good for a lot of laughs later. Especially since I have video footage of it. They had some guy running ahead on the bank of the river and video taping at all the hot spots.

Here I am before boarding the short bus to take me to my doom. Click on pictures to enlarge.

And here I am on the raft, most probably before being unceremoniously dumped.

And finally after surviving the trip (yes, that's one of my offspring doing to her best to look like she belongs on a short bus).

The next day was rappelling day. My ex and two of the kids were already experienced at that and had brought their gear. Since the middle child could not be convinced to give it a try her role was that of the belayer (person who controls the ropes from the bottom of the drop). She was used to doing that and I was going to help her. My ex had asked me at some point prior to that day if I was sure I didn't want to try. I assured him there was no way on earth. And then that morning.....I don't even know what possessed me, but all of a sudden I told him I would try it if he could find a not very high drop. His eyes lit up and I knew it would be his mission to find a suitable drop. And he did. And it was right next to a much higher drop so everyone could have "fun". If I remember correctly it was only about a 30 ft. drop. Looking up from the bottom it looked like a piece of cake. However, once up at the top, looking down was another story. Now would be a good time to mention that I have no great fear of heights; provided there is something to keep me from falling, such as a simple rail. I adore the view from way up high. What I do have an extreme fear of is falling. I've taken a lot of spills in my life and been hurt quite a few times. None of those falls were from high up. I hate ladders and even step stools are scary to me. I don't like any unsteady footing. So there I am at the top of the cliff. In order to start things off you have to go out to the very edge, turn around (so now you are blind to the drop), drop your heals off the edge while leaning backwards and then push off. So basically, I had to make myself fall....on purpose! Yeah, that realization hadn't quite dawned on me until I was up there. Teresa was down at the bottom with the ropes. And we had brought along some neighboring campers since they wanted to check it out. So great, I even had an audience. It took the most ridiculous amount of coaxing to get me to push off of that ledge. My legs were shaking like crazy and my heart was in my throat. I was so petrified that I really couldn't control my movements at all. So I was just sort of swaying around for what seemed like an eternity. At some point, with Teresa's help I'm sure, I got it under control and completed the drop. Did I feel alive? You had better believe it. And damn happy to be on the ground.

Here I am at the top.

Here I am just pushing off. Note the terror on my face now!

And now on my way down. And I'm not crazily swinging around. Maybe I just imagined that?

And a close-up. Wow. I don't LOOK stressed out of my mind. Trust me. I was!

After all was said and done, I didn't regret any of it. Why would I? I may not have found a new hobby but I did push myself past some fears. I got that wonderful alive feeling and learned that you can do things that terrify you and yet survive. And I made my kids' day. They were cheering!

Getting It Off My Chest Because That's What Blogs Are For, Right?

2011-06-01T12:18:00.000-07:00

Below is what I wanted to post on facebook. But I refrained from doing so because I knew it would piss off too many people. I can't believe how many people do this constantly. Drives me batty!

"You do realize that when you "like" that big corporate product such as Febreeze for example, you're doing nothing but giving that company free advertising, right? Are they so strapped for cash that they need charity from you, the consumer? Not likely! Don't be such sheep. Use that "like" feature with discretion, for things that that you really believe in and want to spread the word and they could use a helping hand to get off the ground. Okay....off my non-branded soapbox. "

Aren't I considerate for not antagonizing my facebook friends? :)

It's Not Midnight Yet.....So That Must Mean I Met My Deadline

2011-05-31T19:27:00.000-07:00

Today is one week from my last post here. So I barely squeaked by in my effort to post at least weekly. But I did it! I have been a busy little bee doing other things. I do still write every morning just for myself. I have grown to love that ritual. And I'm generally not big on ritual. But this one suits me.

My mind has been a swirl of ideas/realizations/plans. I'm going to start keeping a small notepad with me at all times. I have a difficult time remembering my great ideas because almost as soon as I think of one, another pops into my head. That's frustrating.

Talked via Skype with my oldest daughter who lives in Costa Rica the other day. As different as we may be, we are one hell of a lot alike in other ways. She described to me almost feeling like she gets a high from the surge that comes with a new idea. And how invariably before she can make any headway on that idea yet another equally high-inducing idea comes along. Oh God.....I have passed this madness onto her. The main difference is that she is much more likely to get SOMETHING in motion than I am. But she is spinning plates down there in Costa Rica. She is still operating her downtown walking tours which is generating some decent income. She has her yoga studio up and running and is always dreaming up innovative classes for that. She's struggling to find enough students to really have it make money though. Since her whole goal was to make it affordable to more people it really is going to take a lot of people coming in to keep it running.

On top of that she is still doing freelance marketing and is heavily involved in the professional womens networking group there. She has been doing a lot of schmoozing with government people with that. If there's one thing Stacey is good at, it's making contacts and networking. She is working on getting the past president of Planned Parenthood to come speak to her womens group. That would be a major feat for her and it's looking like it may happen.

She is now seeking to start a couple more ventures that she hopes to involve venture capitalists with. She has decided that if she wants to actually get anywhere she needs to find a way to get other people to fund her ideas and others to run them. She is best at being the idea person. She really is quite genius if you ask me. I am constantly astounded at what she comes up with. She aspires to really BIG ideas, like those of the social networking startup kind. I have to give her credit. She has already done more on her own than I could have even dreamed about when I was her age. I am inspired by her determination to do what she dreams.

So for myself, even though I may not have the track record of chasing down my dreams or of even figuring out what they really are, I do have things in the works. Things that I am actively working towards, not just daydreaming about. And that's a big deal right there for me. I tend to dwell in the land of daydreams. I have begun the work of putting together a website for my own massage business. I'm looking to have a home based business; not because I can't dream bigger than that, but because that is what makes me happiest. I have had some conversations with a 20 year massage veteran who runs a very successful business in another state. She has a whole wellness center she runs with other therapists, herbalists and acupuncturists working for her. She is in very high demand. She discouraged me from trying to run a business out of my home. But the thing is, I don't want what she has. I don't want to be responsible for the livelihoods of others. I don't want to have overhead cost concerns. I don't want to have to hire an accountant. I don't want all that STUFF weighing me down. I don't need the prestige. But there are lots of other things I do need. I need to feel comfortable and at home. I need simplicity. I need freedom. I need to have clients that are so comfortable with me that coming to my home for treatments feels natural. I'm looking for a clientele that is not interested in a spa setting. I specifically want those people that don't want that! I want them to not see themselves as someone who is to be waited on hand and foot while ordering me around. I want instead for them to view this as a joint effort in healing and restoration, one where we work together to find whatever it is that brings them into balance. By making the setting less about luxury and more about comfort and warmth I will likely keep the high maintenance prima donnas away. I'm also looking at a very different business model than hers. She charges much higher rates than average, because she believes she's worth it, and absolutely never discounts. I get that she most likely is very very good from what I've seen, and let's face it, some people take great pride in shelling out big bucks for services. So she commands those prices and she has no shortage of clients willing to fork it over. But.......I see this whole other category of client who thinks their only option is a massage factory like the chain I currently work at. And they don't have a lot of other options to be honest. I want to give them another option. I know I'm as good or sometimes even better than therapists at some of the more prestigious resorts. I know this because I've been told as much by those who have been around the massage block a time or two. So it's not that I think I'm not worth higher rates. It's that the clientele I most want to reach simply cannot afford it. And they are as deserving of therapeutic massage as anyone. And I don't give a rat's hiney what other therapists think about someone like me undercutting the average going rates. I don't plan to undercut by that much, just enough to keep the clients total cost competitive with what they pay at the corporate chains. You have to be realistic about who your competition is. So I'm feeling very good about marketing myself as the personal touch alternative to the low cost chains.

I'm also having a great deal of FUN working on the website. It's a great creative outlet both in design and writing. I've spent some time googling other massage websites. There are some very good ones but the majority leave me cold. They come across very clinical and dry. Not what would draw me in for sure! I'm trying to give mine a very warm, serene & beautiful feel. I'm taking my time to insure it's exactly what I want.

I do find it somewhat ironic that I'm doing all this work finally towards getting away from my employer, when in the next year and a half or so we plan to hit the road full time. But I will see how it plays out in the meantime and who knows, I may try to take my business on the road with me. This therapist I spoke of earlier has multiple state licenses so that she can do occasional work when she travels. Tattoo artists do this. Why not massage therapists? We will need some occasional additional income to supplement Karins' pension. That would be one possible source. I could do it on an out call basis.

So this has been my main focus recently, amongst all the other things that catch my fancy here and there. And my headaches have gotten much better. I've been a good girl and been wearing my mouth guard at night. Seems to have done the trick! :)

Even Keel?

2011-05-24T13:32:00.000-07:00

I picked up a bad habit back in my "going through my divorce" days. Which was seven and half years ago or so. I began to grind my teeth and clench my jaw. I didn't even realize I was doing it. Had a regular visit to the dentist in which he saw some damage from grinding and told me I needed to get a handle on it before it got serious. I was clueless as to how to stop it though, especially since I wasn't even aware it was going on. Time passed and I started getting the worst headaches I've ever experienced. I'm not a migraine sufferer so I haven't a clue as to how they compare. But what I was experiencing I could find no relief for. Pain killers did nothing. Sleep did nothing.

Finally went to the doctor and he discovered I had high blood pressure and thought that was probably the cause of the headaches (another new thing I acquired during my divorce). The meds for that did wonders for my blood pressure but again did nothing for the headaches. Next visit to the dentist and he knew right away I needed help. He fitted me for a mouth guard and I finally got relief. For quite awhile I depended on that to stay pain free. Eventually though I was able to quit using it and for the most part not have any problems. I began to see though that as soon as I got stressed by something I would almost instantaneously get the same headache. I've never seen such a quick reaction. It amazes me. Stress situation appears and BAM! instant pain. And yet I do not feel the physical action of clamping down. The worst part is that once the pain sets in it is extremely difficult to make go away. It usually just takes time, a lot of time. Sometimes days worth of time. And I damn well better watch out what I chew during that time because I just add to the pain by chewing anything not soft.

The biggest help I've found is simply learning to NOT get stressed out by things in the first place. That has been a long time coming to figure out how to do. And I've had to go through a hell of a lot of stress to be able to learn to put it into practice. It has kind of been a "do or die" thing where I have been forced to face this part of me that wants to freak out at what life throws my way. For awhile it was so bad that just hearing Karin get mad at oh say, her computer, would set me off. Stupid stuff like that. A learned physical reaction to the smallest of stressors. So when I am able to truly not feel that stress in the first place I avoid a lot of needless agony. And life is just better all around. I am much happier!

But....last week I experienced something entirely new. I was going through a process of self-discovery that left me feeling elated. Like being on a natural high. VERY high I should add. Think the guy in the "what does it mean?/double rainbow videos. Enjoy that vision for awhile and laugh if you must. :) Anyway, guess what happened? Yup. I got a TMJ headache! Been dealing with it ever since. I've been left to conclude that not only do bad stressors do this to me but also really freaking good stuff. Basically anything that takes me away from an even keel state of being. So now I am perplexed. How do I handle that? Is it not a good thing to be overjoyed? Back to the drawing board I guess. The best possible solution would be to find a way to unlearn the jaw clenching habit. But I just don't know how.

Desk of Horrors

2011-05-20T16:02:00.000-07:00

I have a story to tell. But it meanders around a fair amount before it gets to the main point. But the other points ARE worthwhile, so I'm telling it from the beginning. Please try to follow along.

Some time ago I stumbled upon a blog called The Thankful Project http://sothankfulproject.blogspot.com/2011/05/lady-and-thank-you-opinions.html. It's subject matter is mostly about how life improves when you regularly express gratitude. I was drawn to the idea (as I am to oh so many ideas!). In one of the blogs the writer shared a link to a website that is basically an online journal in which you daily write whatever you are thankful for. This has become regular practice now for both Karin and myself. Anyway, several days ago the blogger wrote about a situation she had found herself in that she didn't completely understand and wondered how it should best have been handled. She asked her readers for their thoughts on the matter. I wrote back and briefly commented.

Yesterday I got an e-mail notifying me that I had a comment on my own most recent blog post. It turned out to be from the aforementioned blogger. Please note that prior to me commenting the other day on her post, I had never had any contact with this woman before. And I never thought I would ever have any reason to quite frankly. I read many many blogs that I never comment on or make my presence known. I just read. So I guess after reading my comment she was curious about me and visited my blog. I had just written about how I scattered I feel in wanting to do so many things and not being able to focus on any of them enough to accomplish much of anything.

In addition to thanking me for my input on her blog, she told me that after reading mine she was reminded of herself at a year or so ago. She didn't want to push anything on me but she wanted to share with me a book that she had read and that had helped her. Well I am not one to turn down book recommendations! I've happened upon some of the best stuff that way. So I quickly checked the online library catalog and to my dismay they don't have even one copy of it. I looked it up on Amazon. It looked so amazing! All kinds of glowing reviews. The book is The Renaissance Soul: Life Design for People With Too many Passions To Pick Just One. http://www.amazon.com/Renaissance-Soul-Design-People-Passions/dp/0767920880/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1305929553&sr=8-1-spell On the Amazon page for that book there were other books listed that were similar and recommended. So I looked one of them up at the library and not only did they carry it but it was on the shelf at my branch! So of course I rushed out and borrowed that copy pronto! I am not one to sit around when I get excited about something. I have to get to it....NOW.

This particular book is Refuse To Choose! http://www.amazon.com/Refuse-Choose-Interests-Passions-Hobbies/dp/1594866260/ref=pd_sim_b_1 I brought it home and got right into it. Within just a few pages I was overcome with relief. For the first time in my life I felt like I was seeing myself clearly and seeing that it's not just me and that it's okay to be this way. After being told I was a worthless lazy good-for-nothing (by my ex) and just generally not knowing anyone else like me who I could look up to, I took that attitude to heart. Thankfully I eventually met Karin. She has never treated me like that although I'm sure I have frustrated her at times with my constant need for something "new" & "different". She has nonetheless indulged me on my whims. She supports my crazy passions and lets them run their course. She is my version of Utopia.

We are finally coming around to the main point of this post. Something mentioned early on in the book is that people like me (she calls us scanners....always seeking out something else to learn about, create, tackle) are almost always messy & cluttered. It makes sense to us but frustrates those around us. It is a necessary part of who we are.I laughed out loud as I looked across the room to my desk, which is my "mission control center" for my life. It's a cluttered mess all right. But in my mind I have everything under control there. What's funny is that at work I can't stand for my area to be cluttered. I swipe all the "junk" off of my counter and put it inside the cabinet. Nothing but what must be there remains out. But that's not my "mission control center". That's just my professional workspace. Two completely different things. And the rest of our house is more or less orderly and uncluttered. I decided to document my desk as it is most of the time. Occasionally it is worse. Less often it is better. It is always the last thing I get to when I clean house. Here then is my little "desk of horrors".

Somehow the photo doesn't quite capture the full extent of the clutter. Trust me...it's not pretty! It's amazing how much I can get done here though. I rarely feel compelled to tidy it up. It suits me pretty well. Bad thing is that it is in our living room, not hidden away somewhere. Having it somewhere else is not practical. So kudos to Karin for not killing me for this! I cook her really good food in return for the favor. :)

Freedom Through Discipline or Getting My Act Together

2011-05-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

I am not the most organized person in the world. I am also not the most focused. But I do have things I want very badly to accomplish. These things matter to me. They are things that feed my soul and honor my body. The problem I have in implementing them is that I get so lost in the very fact that there are so MANY of these things. I feel crushed under the weight of all that I want to do. My current lifestyle is not really all that busy, at least not by comparison with a lot of people in our society. So saying I don't have the time is a poor excuse. But I also don't really want to be as busy as a lot of people I know. I can see where they have so much time eaten up being "busy" that they forget to just "be". But the point is that with better organization and focus, I know that I DO have time to accomplish more than I am. So with that in mind, I am forcing myself to get some sort of a schedule put into place that will give me a starting point and keep a flow going. I am confident that I can do this, no matter my past experiences. I don't expect to be perfect, but I do expect to improve.

One of the things that is important to me to do is to write much more regularly. I've already taken a big step in that direction. For almost two weeks now I've been starting my day out by writing three pages of whatever pops into my head. This is part of The Artists Way project that I'm doing. Since this project has already been started and is going well, it is obviously at the top of my list of things to accomplish. I am so freaking glad I decided to do this. I've already seen a difference in myself from doing this exercise daily. I never thought I'd be so excited to do anything first thing in the morning, except chug my coffee. I love that the writing is for no one but me. I actually have had to learn to let loose and not care about things like grammar and whether it makes any sense or not. That is so ingrained in me that it's like learning something new. Along with doing my morning pages, I've promised myself that I will blog at least once a week. Before I never wanted to impose any frequency on myself. But I see now that the discipline is important after all. This may seem obvious to most, but I can be a slow learner in some areas!

I have thus far created a list of things that I know I want to do. Some are new things. Some are getting back into doing things I used to do. Some are pretty simple; mostly a matter of making it a priority and just doing it. Some will require learning new skills. My list has to remain changeable. I'm sure I will continue to think of things I want to do. And other things that I now think I want to do, may lose their importance to me over time. Who knows? In the past I have had times when I became entranced with the idea of doing something only to find out that it just wasn't for me after all. That's okay. I got a lot of flack some of those times. I got called a quitter. I don't see it that way. Why would you continue to spend time and energy on something that serves no purpose for your life? Now, there probably have been a few times that I did give up too fast. I think in those cases I lacked the proper tools to make it work for me as well as lacking the support I needed. I feel bad about those instances. They are things I might take another look at in the future and see if I can't come up with a better way to approach it.

My next step is going to be to prioritize my list into an order that makes the most sense for me. I know better than to delve into too many things at once. Or to tackle too many hard things in a row. I need time to get used to my new habits. I have to deal with the occasional impatience to move on to something else. I know I will crumble if I don't keep that under control! It's important to know thyself when making life changes. I can't follow someone elses' rules. I am me and I make no apologies for being myself! Once I get my list scheduled, I will reevaluate it from time to time to keep it making sense. Life happens and you have to play it by ear sometimes. But having a basic schedule should really help me out.

I'm excited about this. And curious to see where it all leads. I've always had feelings that my life should be more somehow, was MEANT to be more. But I've always been at such a loss as to how to get there. I feel strongly that I'm headed in the right direction. I have more faith in my own instincts than I've ever had before. It's time.

A Different Mothers Day Story

2011-05-08T20:57:00.000-07:00

I recently began reading The Artists' Way. I won't get into the book too much right now except to say that it is a twelve week course in unblocking creativity. The very first assignment you get is to write morning papers every day. This means to write out longhand three pages every morning. It's to be written quickly, in a stream of consciousness manner with no attention paid to grammar, spelling or neatness (thank goodness....it is in the morning after all!). You just write whatever pops into your head; no planning it out. It doesn't have to make any sense.

So today was my third day doing the morning papers. It's interesting what comes pouring out before I'm fully awake. Today being Mothers' Day, my mind went straight to my mom. And out came a bunch of anger and frustration. Not over anything in the past really. I have gotten over childhood stuff. She was the best parent she knew how to be and for the most part she provided the basics. There was a lot missing on the emotional side of things. But I figure I'm way past all that and have learned to find my support, esteem & unconditional love elsewhere.

But what's eating me now is her refusal, even at this point in our lives, to spend any real time together. And honestly, our relationship being what it is, I wouldn't be that put out except that it means I also don't get to spend any real time with my dad. My mom has always been the one in charge between the two of them. Whenever Dad wants to do something that she doesn't want to do, he either has to practically wage war to make it happen or just gives up. Mom digs in her heels like nobody's business. And to think she has always accused ME of being stubborn. Pot.....meet kettle. Anyway, more often than not, poor Dad just doesn't have it in him to put his foot down.

Since we moved to Tucson 4 1/2 years ago they have never come to visit. We've made seven or eight trips back to Indy in that time. It's a huge expense to travel and we are not made of money. But family is important enough to us that we find a way to make it happen. I still have two children and a grandchild back there as well as other family. I'll be damned if I'm going to just not see my family! But it would be really awesome if for a change they would come out and see us, for so many reasons. My parents don't have an endless travel budget either so I wouldn't expect too much from them. But the kicker is that every single winter they go to Florida for a month or so. There they visit old friends (like from back in their school days) and some relatives (mostly cousins I think). They even visit my dead grandpas' second wifes' (also dead) son who wasn't even "part of the family" until I was almost 40 yrs. old.

But they can't come out here to visit their own daughter. ....................... Now my mom would argue that because I am the one who moved away, it is my responsibility to be the one to make the trip. I have heard her say things like that before about other relatives. But that argument is blown completely out of the water by her own reasons for going to Florida. Almost a year ago, on one of the rare occasions when I was talking to my dad on the phone (because Mom owns the phone too ya know!), Dad told me how much he would love to come visit us and wanted to try to make that happen before too long. And on our visits back to Indy he breaks down every time we go to say goodbye. He hugs me so tight and cries his eyes out. Mom does what she does. "Well it's been nice seeing you; wish it didn't have to be so long in between" said as she scurries off. I'm not saying there isn't any emotion there but she damn well isn't going to let me see it! It just kills me because I know good and well that if Dad had his way they would be out here in a flash.
My parents are in their late 70's. Trying to change my mom at this stage is pointless. She's not only distant but I sometimes seriously question her lucidness. I posted (on facebook) a picture of her holding her newborn great grandson just three years ago. She asked me who the baby was, my son or his son. She couldn't tell from looking at herself in the picture whether it was current or from over 25 yrs. ago! Yet she's ALWAYS been a bit strange like that. Just a little outside of the loop. Makes me wonder if she hasn't lived a life with some level of undiagnosed mental disorder.

But I digress. Point is that my parents are getting on in years, I don't know how much longer they'll be around and yet much as I would love to be with them a little more, it's just not happening. And especially because of my dad that makes me incredibly sad. So on Mothers Day this year I am sad because I miss my dad.

How Many Do You Have?

2011-04-28T11:06:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this list of characteristics of a healthy relationship online. There are 22 points listed. I went through the list and counted 12 that were completely missing from my former marriage. That's over half. And I lived like that for 22 years. The good news is that my present relationship includes every single point on the list. And what a difference it makes! I'm older, wiser and much happier now. Here's the list:

Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship

You have fun
You are loved unconditionally
You are willing to work through conflicts
You receive encouragement for your abilities
Cooperation occurs
You are respected
Anger is expressed safely
Feelings are respected and talked about
There is willingness to negotiate
You have power despite your age or ability or gender or race or class or beliefs
You are treated as an Equal
Your small accomplishments are noted and celebrated
It is okay to make mistakes
You can freely say “I was wrong”
You are really listened to
Resources are shared Equally
There is affection and warmth, but never intrusion (e.g. of boundaries)
Your privacy is respected
Your mealtimes are calm and enjoyable
Your differences are respected and encouraged
You can be silly
You are honest with each other

The Urge To Purge

2011-04-24T11:58:00.000-07:00

We have now set a target time for when we want to be out of standard living arrangements and living full time in an RV. Even though we don't know exactly how it's all going to come together, we felt it best to put something somewhat concrete out there to aim for. So what we are aiming for is December of 2012. Are current lease is up the end of this coming November. We think we will probably downsize further then by moving into a one bedroom apartment. It makes sense. It forces us to reduce our belongings even more, gets us used to an even smaller living space, and cuts down on our expenses which will allow us to accrue some much needed funds for purchasing a RV. So a year of that and then the ultimate downsizing into a RV!

Our current actions towards reaching our goal are doing lots of research on full time RVing, going to RV shows to check out actual rigs, and getting rid of as much stuff as we can. It's mostly all very exciting for us. As we pitch stuff I feel a great sense of relief. And it's funny how I now see the absurdity of the typical "American dream" which involves a LOT of "stuff ownership". Let's face it. Even if you have the means to purchase stuff, you are usually only happy with it for a short time. Then that stuff is no longer good enough. And you are now on a quest to purchase something even better. It is a never ending cycle that leads mostly to just being swallowed up by stuff. Occasionally a purchase will result in a lasting love affair with something that is truly useful & a joy to own. But weeding out the mediocre crap you really don't have to have and that does not bring something positive to your life results in feeling less buried by stuff. When I make a purchase now I ask myself how important it is to have this item. I'm purchasing a lot less! And I will admit that living a cash only lifestyle makes this much easier. When we gave up using credit cards our eyes were opened to how much we were purchasing that we simply should not have been. And while it scared us to not have that crutch to use, we found it much easier than we would ever have thought.

This whole downsizing process has been a slowly evolving thing. The more we do it, the more we ask ourselves "okay what else can we live without?". And we always manage to surprise ourselves with the answer to that question. I would never have thought I could embrace a minimalist lifestyle. But I am getting there! After decades of focusing on having more this is a huge turn around. And it feels good so I'm running with it. :)

The Rumors Are False. I Am Still Alive!

2011-04-03T23:47:00.000-07:00

I went over a month without posting? Craziness! Well, life has been kind of crazy I guess. Better than ho hum-ness anyway. Good news is I finally got over my bronchitis. It took a grand total of seven weeks. I have never been down and out like that before in my life. I really don't care to do it again! I did learn several things though that I don't intend to forget. And that is always good. I am now chugging water like crazy. It's really absurd that I wasn't before. I live in the frigging desert for crying out loud. I preach the gospel of hydration to my clients day in and day out. And then what do I do? Drink like one glass a day? Pathetic Brenda. Just pathetic. Anyway, I finally found the trick to make it easier for me. I squeeze a lime wedge into my water. Makes it go down soooo much easier!

I got over my coughing just in the nick of time. We had a family trip to Sedona last week and I got better right on time for that. It's a good thing cause we did lots of hiking/walking which just a few days sooner would have left me hacking up a lung. So I was very grateful to not have to go through that! We had a such a wonderful time with lots of laughs, bonding and......family drama. hahahaha There just always has to be some, doesn't there? But in the grand scheme of things it was no big deal and we still all love each other. I have to say, Karin's family is so different from mine. I always find it interesting hanging out with them. On the one hand they are so much closer than my family. Yet they have way more drama. I think it's just that they do a better job of expressing themselves while my family just locks it all up inside.

Work has been ridiculous lately. Even more so than normal. Or not. Maybe I just become accustomed to ever increasing levels of ridiculousness. I keep saying that this is the final straw. But that straw keeps shifting to yet another straw. Maybe I am the ridiculous one! I don't know. I keep loving my time with my clients. But I come home with so much bitterness over the background stuff going on that it clouds my perspective. And I'm just going to admit it. I'm getting tired of coming home miserably sore and stiff. For my three days on, I am a wreck. For my first day off I am not up to doing much. Then I enjoy my next three off and then the cycle starts over again. So for over half my life I am sore and cranky. And that's working a mere three days a week! Somehow it just doesn't add up. I need to figure out how to make it work for me.

Karin & I just celebrated our seventh anniversary. This is the anniversary of the date we exchanged rings. We very quietly and privately did this, never thinking that we would have a ceremony. As it turned out, we did end up having a ceremony later on. So in fact, we have two separate anniversary dates. We like to complicate things. :) But this is the anniversary that was the true beginning for us, so it has great meaning for us. I wonder if the day will come when we can legally marry and then we will have THREE anniversary dates? How cool would that be? Going for some kind of record!

Stuck Somewhere Between Sick & Well

2011-02-24T11:50:00.000-08:00

I've been having a mini-meltdown today. I don't do sick well. Especially when I do feel well enough to have the desire to be out and about, but know that what I need most is to stay home and rest. Bronchitis sucks. It just draaaags on and on. I'm breathing well over all. It's just that damn cough is still hanging around making it difficult to do anything that takes any serious lung power. Like laugh. And sing. And exercise. And work. And get out and run errands. Life in other words. I feel so......stuck.

I'm two weeks into this now. It can take up to four weeks. And it stinks knowing that I most likely made things worse for myself by going for a hike less than a week into things when I mistakenly thought I was ALL BETTER! What folly that was. I'm trying really hard to do all the right things now(stay hydrated, thin mucus with both Mucinex & herbs, rest). It could be much worse and I am grateful that it's not. I don't need any help from steroids. I can breath fine on my own. So long as I keep things calm & quiet anyway. But what I really want to do is ROAR a little dammit!

Feeling Kind of Random

2011-02-08T16:43:00.000-08:00

Today I am cheating and taking the easy way out. I have lots of things swirling around in my head and not enough patience to fully commit to any of them. It's probably not the healthiest approach I admit. Or maybe it really doesn't even matter. Either way, it is what it is. So for today, there is going to be no real focus to what I write. Or any fleshing out of thoughts. So in no particular order:

1. I'm getting tired of death. The past month has been one death after another. Some closer to home than others. But, all taking their toll. Yup, I know it's a natural progression and we are all on our way to that place. But I think what makes it bearable for those of us left behind is that it usually is spread out somewhat. I am now formally petitioning the universe to take it someplace else for a bit; away from me & my loved ones.

2. If I lived in the south I would probably weigh about 500 pounds. How I made it home from our road trip without gaining any weight is beyond me. I indulged in most every single thing I was tempted by. And it was all DIVINE!

3. Karin & I really DO have an amazing relationship. I am reminded of this all the time. We are a true team effort. My weaknesses are her strengths and vice versa. We genuinely enjoy each others company and even when we do start to get into it one of us ends up laughing at something and then we both end up laughing. If only we could all end fights that way!

4. Have come to the conclusion that some people don't really want world peace. For whatever reason it is more important to them to be able to remain separated from the "others". They would even rather NOT help others gain the understanding that would change their way of seeing us! They seem to prefer barriers and conflict. This is something I don't understand. I have to tell myself that this is just their role to play in life and to accept that. Otherwise I will drive myself nuts in trying to comprehend that kind of thinking.

5. Another observation on some people. Some people are so afraid of change that they would rather put "God" into a box that even God himself/herself/whatever can't escape from. Because if they allowed themselves to consider that what they believe about God might be incorrect then that fact would require them to have to change how they act/treat others/see the world. And that would just be TOO MUCH. I've changed my own mind about God/life/Universe many times. I figure it's a journey. I no longer expect to know all there is to know. But most people.....seem so.... STUCK. These people frustrate me. There I go being impatient; something to work on. :)

6. A coworker was asking us in the break room the other day, "what do you look at first in someone" (referring to a physical thing). When she asked me I answered "eyes". And that probably is the most specific thing I am drawn to. But honestly the truest answer for me is that I look for something that sets that person apart; something really interesting. I sometimes find that perfectly beautiful people, as in model-beautiful, are kind of boring. I see them, note that yes they are beautiful, and then my eyes wander around looking for something that stands out enough to intrigue me. I hate that people are having cosmetic surgery in larger numbers to perfect their imperfect faces. Those imperfections are what help you to stand out from the rest! I get wanting to fix something really drastic that makes it impossible to lead a normal life. But that's not what I'm talking about.

7. I love to read. And I love getting recommendations for others on books to read! I've been reading books I learned about from others since last summer. I've loved most everything. But I'm almost at the end of my reading list. So I'd like to invite you to send me more ideas. I mostly read nonfiction, inspirational-type things. But I strive to keep my reading a mix of fiction/nonfiction. The fiction helps keep me from being in my head TOO much! If it's fiction it needs to tell a great story or be very intelligently written. No fluff! And no cheesy romance. :) I loved Oryx & Crake, Water for Elephants and The Help for fiction. Three Cups of Tea was some amazing nonfiction!

An Encounter of the Nasty Kind

2011-01-25T23:44:00.000-08:00

Being that I live in Tucson, and not just anywhere, but very close to where the shooting here occurred, people here have been pretty emotionally involved. It is not surprising then, that I would encounter clients who want or need to discuss it. Our standard procedure is to never discuss politics, religion or sex with our clients. And generally, I wouldn't want to anyway. And up until this past week, no discussions about the shooting event took that kind of a turn. Mainly people just wanted to express their feelings of sadness.

But the other day I had a client (not a regular) who said she was working at one of the hospitals that victims were sent to. She was working at her desk job there. When reports started coming in of what had happened she said she was sad to hear that Giffords had been shot because she actually liked her. I really wish she had stopped right there. But no, she felt compelled to then tell me that if she had heard that Raul Grijalva, a Democrat Representative here, had been shot she would have cheered. Yup....that's precisely what she said. CHEERED. About hearing that another human being had been shot. She explained to me that she was a registered Republican after all.

I don't care what your F***ing politics are. It is NEVER okay to cheer for the shooting of someone's spouse, parent, child, friend, etc. And then to credit that to your political party? What does that say about you and your party of choice? And why would you proudly share that with a stranger who has their hands in the vicinity of your neck??? It's lucky for her that I was close to wrapping things up anyway. I seriously don't think I could have continued to give her a decent massage after that. I felt myself just go limp. I did not verbally respond at all (there's nothing nice I could have said). I wanted to get very far away from her. If I was working for myself and encountered a client like that I would refuse any future services to them.

Politics and rhetoric may not have played any part in the shooting (and I truly don't believe that it did) but you cannot convince me that politics and rhetoric are not fueling a feeding frenzy among American citizens that results in a general atmosphere of hate for anyone that believes differently from yourself. I feel grateful that for the most part the people here have been incredibly good and kind-hearted through the entire ordeal. But what I've heard coming out of the mouths of right-wing idiots on the national scene has done nothing to change my mind about their overall lack of compassion and decency. One would think they might have taken an opportunity like this to try to bolster their images a little bit? I just don't get them. I truly don't.

I realize that we are all in different places on our journeys. Some are much farther along than others. I try to have patience for those obviously unaware. I, myself, have far enough to go and I can only live my own life. But for the love of God, I am so completely frustrated by just how bad humanity still is. I sometimes am so ashamed to be an American. It makes me feel ill. I want to run away and escape. But of course I know there is no perfect paradise that is conflict-free. Or idiot-free. Or scum-bag-free. Or deranged-looney-free. All I can do is to keep my head where it needs to be, surround myself with as many like-minded people as possible, and practice what I preach (LOVE is the answer).

But to my nasty client this is what I wish I could say: Instead of getting a massage, I recommend that you see a psychotherapist and get your shit together a little!

It's Still Thanksgiving Here....Even Though There's No Turkey :)

2011-01-10T23:26:00.000-08:00

Been a long time boys & girls! I have so much to chat about and not enough hours in the day. So I'll start off with my belated New Year's Resolutions. I've really never been one to bother with something that seems doomed to failure right from the get-go though. And it seems to me that most New Years Resolutions go that way quickly. But this year there is something that I am determined to make a habit of. It feels very important to me. The time has come.

I'm pretty much convinced that the basis for happiness is in living in a state of gratitude. The more one is able to express gratitude, the better life becomes. What flows out from you, flows back to you in even greater quantity. I have been watching this in action. I have a "friend", someone I know online only, who inspires me in many ways. One of things I observe is that she is almost constantly expressing gratitude for all things in her life. Big things, little things, unusual things, ordinary things; nothing is left unnoticed. And this is an ongoing, daily expression. I'll admit that at first I actually found it somewhat off-putting. It seemed contrived to me, I think because I wasn't used to hearing anyone go on and on about even the most mundane things being thought of as blessings. But what I noticed is how many amazing things seem to happen to this woman. No matter what might go wrong for her (and yes, bad things do happen to her), there is always something fantastic that comes out of it. And all the cool stuff that she gets to do all the time. And then there's all the cool people she meets all the time. And did I mention the cool trips she always seems to luck into? The amazing deals she falls into? All the right doors magically pop open at just the right time. That's the way life is for her. All. The. Freaking. Time. I guess I could be jealous. But how stupid would that be? Why not put into practice what she does? I know from my own experience that having the right attitude does go a long way to smoothing out life's rougher patches. I think it's just time to take it to a higher level.

To help me in getting into the habit of expressing gratitude I will be using this nifty website where you keep your own thankfulness journal. It will remind you if 24 hours go by without you posting. And your thanks are added to the public list that runs continually (unless you choose to keep yours private). So you can also read what others are thankful for. I just started and I'm loving it already. Seeing all the things that other people mention is interesting and inspiring. And I think there's something to putting your gratitude out there for others to hear that "amplifies" it's effect. Sort of like a wave being sent out which builds strength as it combines with the force of other waves.

The website is: http://thankfulfor.com My user name there is cherryontop.

And here is a quote I got from the website.

Hem your blessings with thankfulness so they don't unravel.
-Unknown

Hello. My Name Is Brenda, And I'm a Procrastinator.

2010-12-17T15:44:00.000-08:00

I went into my account here at blogspot and realized I'd written a BUNCH of posts that I never published. Sometimes it's more important to write it out than to be heard. So I just tidied things up and deleted those. No point having them hanging around. Nine times out of ten those types of posts are of a bitching/whining nature.

Something that I'm really enjoying right now is both watching other people "growing up" and seeing how no matter how old I am, I'm still capable of an astounding amount of personal growth. When I was a kid I thought adults had it all figured out and were basically "done". The rest of your life was all about just "doing", or so I thought. Good thing that's not true or I would be seriously screwed! hahaha And truth be told I'm glad to not have it all figured out because I really have come to appreciate the beauty of the "journey" as opposed to focusing on the "destination". I love to learn, especially when it's self-guided learning. It's always liberating to realize you're capable of more than what you once thought you were. And comforting to find that whatever you may have failed at in the past has no bearing on what you can do today. And exciting even to see that those very missteps have actually contributed to the awesomeness that is you!

I have an extremely playful, downright silly side which I indulge often. If it isn't fun, I have trouble getting into it for the most part. I'm a firm believer that life is mostly for enjoying! That said, at times I worry that maybe I'm too focused on pleasure. I will procrastinate on the stuff that is a drag to me or that is frustrating for me (almost ANY kind of paperwork, dealing with any kind of insurance matter, taxes.....oh wait, make that TAXES!!!, talking to my mom, work issues, money issues, confrontation of any kind, etc). And I know that putting these things off isn't the best way to deal with them. For one thing it tends to put me into situations where my back is then up against the wall to get it done. Which only adds to the anxiety surrounding whatever it is. And more importantly, it allows the issue to hover over me, growing and producing even more stress by simply being there waiting in the wings for me. And besides, if I just got it over and done with it would free me up for even more fun. I always feel soooooo much happier when I get some disgusting, maddening thing out of the way finally.

So I'm pretty sure part of my own personal growth revolves around me dealing with this "icky stuff" procrastination. And the first step is recognizing you have a problem, right? Now for step two......making changes. :)

If You're Going To Dream, May As Well Dream Crazy!

2010-11-27T22:57:00.000-08:00

This past summer, one day while we were in the pool, a thought popped into my head. And without even thinking about it first I blurted it out (this is not typical for me....I'm the type to think awhile before giving voice to something crazy). I said to Karin, hey what if we just gave up housekeeping altogether & hit the road in an RV full time? Think of the possibilities. We could go pretty much wherever we wanted to, whenever we wanted to. Want to see the fall colors? No problem. Want to be with the grandson for his birthday? No problem. Want to escape the summer heat by visiting either the northwest or the northeast? No problem. Craving the ocean? No problem. I could go on and on.

On top of the freedom to go, we would free ourselves from high rent, high utilities, and the upkeep of a home & all the stuff that fills up a home. The older I get, the less I enjoy being tied down by "stuff". We're both happiest when we're able to travel a lot and when we're able to be with our families & friends as much as we feel the need to. I have a young grandson that I haven't seen in over a year now. I'm tired of missing out on all the big moments. Our parents are all getting older now and you never know how much time you're going to have with them. The fact that they're all in good health right now is all the more reason to see them while we can. And you might ask, well why not just move back closer to them all? Because being in that environment all the time isn't the right thing for us either! We need to find a way to balance it all. We absolutely love Tucson and consider it home now. But we have wanderlust! I was born into it. My dad's family has been scattered all over the world. He was born & raised on a tiny Caribbean island. All of his siblings raised their families in other countries. And I was born in Africa. And then my mom's family, while remaining stateside, still managed to cover the USA pretty well. My Grandpa would get the "itch" and off he would go, traipsing from here to there. When my ex & I were raising the kids we traveled with them to all but three states. And so the travel bug has bitten them as well. Stacey has been in Costa Rica for going on two years now. Teresa has a trip to Ireland coming up.

It has become quite clear that neither of us does well in high stress work environments. We need to be able to feel we're doing work that matters and that feeds our souls. So step one in having the freedom to pursue this crazy dream is to not need to rely on a "crazy" job for income. Lowering our housing costs is the best way to manage that. And we took a baby step in that direction by moving into the townhouse. It was enough for Karin to leave her "completely insane" job. A little more downsizing and we can get me out of my "somewhat stress inducing" job. Make the jump to an RV and we really wouldn't need any permanent jobs. Karin's police pension and some supplemental work would do the trick!

So why not just go for it now? Well, there are some things that need to happen first. We currently have four pets, two dogs & two cats. Too many to take on the road with us, especially considering what poor travelers our dogs are. But the dogs are getting on in years. It's unlikely Mattie will be with us too much longer. At 14 she's already a pretty old girl for a lab. And while Dexter is younger at 10, he's living on borrowed time anyway (couldn't resist that)! We can use the dogs remaining time to gradually work ourselves towards on-the-road freedom. We also need to be able to come up with the funds for a suitable RV. That will take some doing for us. But one thing I know for sure, is that if this is what is the best thing for us, it will happen! We've learned that nothing is beyond our reach that is in our best interest. :) We also have to deal with the whole issue of drastically reducing our belongings. I'm actually pretty excited about this aspect of things. I imagine a great feeling of relief as the burden of "stuff" is lifted. I aspire to be the opposite of a "hoarder". I don't want to be without anything, because a great many things that one truly enjoys doing, require equipment of some sort to do. But let's face it. We all have way more stuff than we really need. And it is mostly there to distract you from really living. I'd rather "do things" than "own things". It will be quite a process to whittle what we have down to what we will be able to take with us. But it's truly possible. Karin learned years ago, after a tornado destroyed most of her stuff, just how much more important other things are. :)

So for now we dream big while perusing ads for used RV's and reading up on blogs of other full time RV'ers. It's fun for us! Karin is working towards a new "career" path that is much more in line with her gifts & that could easily enough be done from wherever she happens to be at the time. I have had some thoughts of trying to make what I do be a bit more mobile as well. State licensing issues would be my biggest roadblock, but I know that it should be possible.

I can't help but think that our initial move out here to Tucson was the "defining moment" for us in that from that point on our lives have been a whirlwind of change in which each step, no matter how hard it may have been, has set us one step further along the path to where we long to be. I wouldn't trade any of it. We've learned so much, made deep friendships and grown together as a couple. I say let's keep that coming!

Can You Keep A Secret?

2010-11-23T22:29:00.000-08:00

If you ever need to share a secret but need someone who you can trust to actually not go blabbing it to the world, I'm your girl! I'm really good at keeping secrets. Probably too good in fact. I'm pretty secretive about things that don't matter that much if someone knows. I keep stuff secret that most people talk about because I have this built in fear of judgement. I grew up afraid to say what my dreams were, what my plans were and what I thought about things. It wasn't an irrational fear then. My parents, my mom in particular, had their vision of who I should be and if anything I said deviated from that I was corrected and it was made clear that expressing those things was not going to be met with approval. So I just learned to keep things to myself. And it became a lifelong habit. Not such a healthy habit to have. It isolates me. I see how incredibly open Karin is, even with people she doesn't know well and it amazes me! Sometimes I even cringe when she does it, and then I have to have a little talk with myself. STOP IT BRENDA!!! Yes, I talk to myself a lot. :) It really blows me away how much she shares with her parents. WITH HER PARENTS, FOLKS!!! Just a foreign concept to me. I keep waiting for her parents to tear into her and set her straight (hahahahaha......couldn't resist that!). But it never happens. They usually stand by her and support her and weird stuff like that. One thing is for sure. Me growing up the way I did made me very determined that my kids would not be afraid to say what they wanted to say to me. I always wanted to know the REAL them. And even if what they have to say doesn't gel with me, it's fine because it doesn't have to. They're being true to themselves which is what I would want most for anyone I love.

As time goes by and I finally become more aware of what I do and why, I am doing better at opening up. And I surprise myself at times by just blurting something out without all the anxiety of before. And everytime it happens with no negative outcome, it gets a little easier and more natural feeling. And it makes me feel good. And I like to feel good. Oh there's a secret for ya. I'm a feel-good junkie! :)

Another Day In Paradise

2010-11-15T23:28:00.000-08:00

99% of the time I love what I do for a living. Today fell into the 1% remainder that is pure hell. My clients run the full spectrum of humanity pretty much. Thankfully, most of humanity knows how to behave themselves when going for a therapeutic massage. I admit, I have it better than some therapists. Middle-aged therapists have less trouble than younger ones generally speaking. I get dirty old men occasionally who make some lame comments but shut up pretty quickly. Today one of the front desk girls called me up in the break room to say she was booking me a walk-in who was giving off very strange vibes. Great. This can mean any number of things. Then she started telling me some of the things he had been telling her. For example, "I'm not straight but I'm not gay". ??????? Why would he even be discussing such a thing up at the front desk? Then there was just really off the wall stuff like "I have a PhD in Beeology". Huh????? So I go up to get him, dreading it each step of the way. He turns out to be in his early 60's, extremely large and reeking of smoke. I do my best to show nothing but confidence & that I'm in charge. I glance at his chart and see where they ask you what you're looking for in a therapist, he has written "open & spiritual". Fantastic. "Open" usually means...well.....waaaaaay open. Ya know what I mean? And then combined with "spiritual".....anybody's guess there! So I get him back to the room and the first thing out of his mouth to me is "Don't worry....I'm STD free". Well then. If that doesn't say it all I don't know what does. I ignore this comment and inquire as to what brought him here. He begins rambling about how he is falling apart, has not been taking good care of himself, doesn't want any more pills, wants to "get in touch with himself again", etc. I do finally get him to show me some actual physical problems he's having, resulting from surgeries. Thank goodness, at least I have something to focus on besides his weirdness! So I go through the spiel about what he needs to do while I take his chart back upfront. I always make a big deal about not just telling men to get under the covers but actually hold the covers up to emphasize the "getting under them" part. It should be pretty obvious but I find too often that male clients either like to play dumb or really are just that dumb. You practically have to draw them a picture. And I told him to start out face down. I emphasized that too. He told me he had one request, he wanted to know if there was any way we could make the room cooler. I knew what he had in mind. He wanted there to be no covers on him! I told him no problem, I would turn the fan on. Then he wanted to know if I would be giving him a towel to cover with. This was AFTER I had instructed him to get under the covers. GOOD GRIEF! Seriously?! NO! Get under the damn covers (said more politely than that)!!! As I walked up to the front desk with his chart I even mentioned to another therapist that I'd probably find him face up and would be lucky if he was covered. Well......I was right about the face up part. Of course. And though he was covered, he was covered at the barest minimum. I was pissed. He's laying there with the blanket thrown off and the sheet over his genitals only and about to fall off. First thing I did was to go over and increase the coverage of the sheet. Sorry dude. I am NOT working on you in that state. I don't even want to be in this tiny room with you for any amount of time as it is.

So finally I got to work on him. Not five seconds into things he comments that I must have lots of people who love me cause I have love in my hands. Yeah I don't make this stuff up folks. I swear I don't. And then a few minutes later he starts reciting Tennessee Williams stuff to me. Not sure what that was about! I spent a lot less time with him face up that I normally would. I desperately wanted to get him face down. I feel a lot more in control with a questionable client when they are face down. But I had to spend some time in his shoulder since that was where he was actually hurting. And there were moments there that were a little too close for comfort for me with him. And that made me sad. Because normally I love that feeling of "taking care of" and the way I feel the trust building and the relaxation that comes with that. But this was not like that at all. I did what I could, he said weird things like "you're helping me reconnect with my physical body". I guess coming from some clients that wouldn't sound so weird, but trust me with him it was just creepy!

Once I had him face down he finally got quiet and things proceeded pretty normally. In the end, nothing bad happened. Except that he purchased a years membership which means I haven't seen the last of him! And also he left me a tip that was just insulting considering the fact that he paid for his membership up front rather than the usual month to month payment plan. He had the money for that but left me a couple of bucks for a ninety minute session? And sadly I gave him my best, considering the situation anyway. I seem to not know how to blow someone off even when it's in my own best interest to do so. I'm too much of a people pleaser for my own good. Need to work on that! When I went back to clean up the room I realized how bad the smell had been too. I had to let the fan run during my break to air it out. Just gross. Mixture of BO, smoke & cheap cologne. I have now been informed that a lot more weird stuff was said upon his checkout at the front desk. I have yet to hear what was said. I can hardly wait. Ughhhhh.............

Scars

2010-11-04T19:06:00.000-07:00

Recently had a conversation with a coworker about scars. We see all kinds of scars in our line of work! She was saying how much she loves scars; sees them as cool. I'm kind of with her on that. With every scar there is a story. Some scars come from accidents, some from surgeries and some are intentional. Some people have some pretty extreme scars but make no mention of them as if they aren't even there. Others have what I consider to be minimal scars yet they go to great lengths to hide them because to them they are "disfiguring". It's all in perspective I guess. To me scars show you've done some living. That you've been through stuff and maybe have had some interesting experiences.

One of my regular clients has this amazing full back tattoo. It covers her back entirely with not even any spots of skin showing through. At first I was in awe of the tattoo. That is until in just the right angle of light I saw what the tattoo was covering up. She has pencil thin straight scars covering her back all lined up perfectly. No way these scars are accidental! They are so light that you can only feel them when using very light pressure; just the hint of being raised when gliding over them. This all fascinates me more than the tattoo now. To make things even more interesting, I recently had a new male client with the exact same thing going on. Pretty much the same scar patterns and once again covered by tattoos. Guess who referred this client? Yup....the female client of mine! So like I said, good story there for sure. I've never mentioned the scars to this client nor would I. There is no reason to. I know how my version of the story goes. It may be accurate, maybe not. Doesn't really matter.

I have my own scars. Mostly they are surgical. And yeah, there are some stories to go along with them. Once upon a time I would have talked to most anyone about them. And in fact I did do a lot of talking about them. I don't feel like sharing quite so much these days though. No one would see them in my normal dress though, so it doesn't come up much anymore (I used to be quite the nudist...still am at heart). I used to obsess about making them less noticeable. I no longer even think much about them. And it's a good thing because I swear the older they get the worse they look. The least noticeable is probably the one that goes all the way from hip to hip. And then there are the anchor scars on both breasts. Hard to believe but those come from a reduction. That was the most traumatic. Felt like my identity had been cut off along with a lot of tissue. Time has taken care of that. And enough weight gain to fill those puppies out to a more "Brenda" size. The worst scar is the one running from breastbone down to just above my belly button. It is just plain ugly. It has gotten redder and thicker with time. I still am not bothered so much by this. It's just a part of "me". The most interesting one to me is the barely perceptible one going around my belly button, where they literally had to make me a new belly button because they cut the old one away! How often does a person get a new belly button? :)

Although I really still don't feel like explaining all my scars I can tell you that the the surgeries behind them all had a huge effect on me. And for that I wouldn't trade them for the world. And it's always fun to compare scars!

Good Business

2010-10-31T23:30:00.000-07:00

Between what I've seen firsthand, from friends & family and what I hear from clients of mine, I'm dismayed by what the workplace has become for employees. Workers are in bad work situations that they are afraid to leave. A crappy job seems better than no job. Most feel they have limited or no options for bettering their situations due to the economy. Employers are very aware of the power that gives them and they pile on the abuses to save money.

I've heard some say this is just "good business". If it helps their bottom line than they are doing what they "should" be doing if they are smart business people. But what I think is this: if what you're doing is leaving your employees so stressed out that their doctors are telling them they must leave their jobs for the sake of their health, then that is not "good business". It is business without a conscience. And that is most certainly not good.

On the other hand, I never believe that there are no options available. Impossible does not exist. And it's up to us, not our employers to make it happen. We underestimate what we have the power to achieve. Fear is the only thing holding us back. Take the first step, even if it's a small step. See what happens. Did the sky fall? Did something positive happen? Did you meet someone new who has ideas for you? Did you stumble across something that gave you a tiny idea? Hmmmm. Now reevaluate and take another step. Continue in this manner until you find yourself removed from the crappy situation and realizing how much better life has gotten. It could take just one step. It could take fifty steps. What does it matter if it leads you to where you want to be? I'm a pretty big fan of baby steps myself. I like testing the water and gradually immersing myself. But I do keep at it because I'll be damned if I'm gonna run screaming out of the water. :)

I Am Not My Hair

2010-10-29T13:21:00.000-07:00

I've always loved India.Ari's song "I Am Not My Hair". Even though the song is mostly about issues black women face with their hair, I relate really well to it. I've never been entirely happy with my hair (like this is news for most women!). But I think for me it has a lot more to do with how I am perceived by others than with simple vanity. My current hairstyle works better for me than any other I've ever had. But am I thrilled about that? Nope. And why not? Because it has lesbian written all over it. And one would think that with me being in a same sex relationship that would not be a problem for me. But it is. First off, I'm not a lesbian. I'm bisexual. And to ME there's a big distinction there. I don't like being lumped into a label by default that doesn't fit. And secondly, I crave massive hair. No offense to all the lesbians I know and love who rock their fierce short cuts. I think they look great on YOU! This isn't about not liking those cuts. It's just about me feeling that it doesn't fit my perceptions of myself very well.

The obvious question then would be "why don't I let my hair grow out already?". God knows I've tried! Over and over I've tried. I've even resorted to big ol' perms to try to make something of my itty bitty skinny baby fine strands. Chemicals suck folks. I managed to fry my hair that way. I finally swore off that madness and reconciled myself to working with what I have naturally. I suppose I could get extensions, but they are way expensive. Plus I know from working on clients scalps that have them, they feel yucky. I don't want my scalp feeling like a brillo pad. One good thing about my baby fine hair is that it is silky soft; the only good thing.

In my fantasy life my hair would be a thick mass of unruly curls. You know, the kind people bitch about how much work it is to try to tame. I am astounded that anyone would want to tame them! I covet that kind of hair. But it is not for me I guess. As soon as my hair grows as far as my chin, it refuses to do anything but lay completely flat and limp. And that is not going to be in any way attractive on a woman who is large everywhere else, or who is determined to not look like a homeless person. Yep....vanity. I may not be high maintenance but I'm not beyond caring about appearances either.

And so, I find myself resigned to having my cute little "lesbian" cut. It does work well on me. It's the easiest cut I've ever had to style. No complaints there. And it has attitude which I enjoy. Truthfully, if my hair must be short then I am happy to have found a style that I like. Bummer that people will make assumptions about me based on my hair that aren't true and that don't reflect who I really am. And God help me from making wrong assumptions about anyone else based on appearances. That may be my lesson here. I know I've been guilty of that before. And let's face it. Anytime something eats at you it usually is an opportunity to change your own attitudes.

And now for the lyrics to "I Am Not My Hair" by India.Ari

[Verse 1]
Little girl with the press and curl
Age eight I got a Jheri curl
Thirteen I got a relaxer
I was a source of so much laughter
At fifteen when it all broke off
Eighteen and went all natural
February two thousand and two
I went and did
What I had to do
Because it was time to change my life
To become the women that I am inside
Ninety-seven dreadlock all gone
I looked in the mirror
For the first time and saw that HEY....

[Chorus]
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations no no
I am not my hair
I ma not this skin
I am a soul that lives within

[Verse 2]
Good hair means curls and waves
Bad hair means you look like a slave
At the turn of the century
Its time for us to redefine who we be
You can shave it off
Like a South African beauty
Or get in on lock
Like Bob Marley
You can rock it straight
Like Oprah Winfrey
If its not what's on your head
Its what's underneath and say HEY....

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
(Whoa, whoa, whoa)
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person?
(Whoa, whoa, whoa)
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend? Oooh
(Whoa, whoa, whoa)
Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity?
(Whoa, whoa, whoa)
I am expressing my creativity..
(Whoa, whoa, whoa)

[Verse 3]
Breast Cancer and Chemotherapy
Took away her crown and glory
She promised God if she was to survive
She would enjoy everyday of her life ooh
On national television
Her diamond eyes are sparkling
Bald headed like a full moon shining
Singing out to the whole wide world like HEY...

[Chorus 2x]

In Search of Happiness

2010-09-19T20:21:00.000-07:00

Since I last wrote here (well under a week), life has once again gone all topsy turvy for us. It boggles my mind how rapidly plans can change. Thankfully, I've gotten really good at taking it all in stride. Time was when I would have come unhinged at so much, so fast always coming at me.

Karin has been enduring a job from hell for the past five months. She found this position while looking for a *part time* job; something to supplement her police pension which is on the smallish side. This job however, was full time. But it spoke to her because it was the PERFECT match for her qualifications. Since coming to Tucson this was the very first time such a good fit came along, so she jumped on it. And being full time, the money would be an added bonus, especially since we've done nothing but struggle financially (and by struggle I do mean losing a house and each of us going bankrupt!) since moving here. We were excited to finally have the chance to get caught up and maybe even be able to do some saving for a change. But the dream was short lived. It only took a couple of weeks before she realized what a nightmarish place she had hired into. What was supposed to be a 40 hr work week became more like 50 hrs. Her days off more often than not required her to be there for training or meetings or coverage for short staffing. She went from not working at all to being at work constantly, and while there pretty much running her ass off nonstop doing the work of about three people. Most days she hasn't even been able to take a lunch break. The owner of the company is a micro-manager who can't even manage to run a thirteen employee operation without endless drama. Karin's position has been in existence for less than a year and she is already the third person to fill it. No one has been able to take the stress of the position. Karin is third in command there, but she is treated like slave labor. She is a supervisor but is not trusted to do that job. It's a complete joke. Both she & her immediate boss gave notice about a month ago that they were leaving. But the owner had meetings with them, found out their complaints and promised to make the needed changes to improve the situation. They both agreed to stay. And things were kind of okay for two weeks. And then it all went south again. I could go on and on about just how bad things are there. Makes my job look like an expertly run organization full of good will towards man. ;-)

I should add that Karin took a big hit physically for the job. Within just a few weeks her stress level was through the roof and she was in pain. She had to see a chiropractor sometimes twice a day for awhile just to get her to where she could tie her own shoes. And then came the need for weekly massage which was so gut wrenching for me due to her level of pain that I had to turn her over to others; I just couldn't emotionally handle working on her anymore. She's much, much better physically now (thank you Lee & Rudi!!!) but still stressed to the max. Several days ago, she reached the end of her rope. I pretty much told her it had to end. The job was going to have to go once and for all. She was beside herself because she knew we wouldn't be able to stay in this house if she didn't have that job. But she knew she couldn't do it anymore. I told her I was fine with moving; her sanity was more important to me. We had to go round and round on this a few times before she believed me! Hell once I said it was fine I was already emotionally detaching from the house. Not a problem. It's just a building. It's a great house and the pool/yard are awesome. But it's been a lot of upkeep too. And up here in Oro Valley we miss being closer to stuff in Tucson sometimes.

So we decided to go out looking at apartments to see what our options were in trying to find something we wouldn't be totally cramped in with our pets! After two different rental houses here we knew they came with hidden costs like yard upkeep and higher utilities. And taking care of a pool? The chemicals alone are more than I want to shell out again if I can help it. We looked at a bunch of places in one day but came back to the first place we looked at. What we love about it: at almost 1300 sq ft it's only 300 sq ft less than this house, it has a decent walled in front yard space that us & the dogs can enjoy, laundry in the unit, rooms almost as big as here, a dog park, two pools (one of which is heated!!!), perfect orientation to the mountains & desert, and the biggie.....should save us about $400 a month between rent, utilities, & gas savings. Now Karin can leave her job and take her time finding a happier place.

There is always a downside of course. Now we have to move....again. Been in Tucson four yrs. now. And this will be our fourth residence here. I hate moving with a passion. And we are going to really have to cut down on our belongings since we won't have garage space for storage anymore. On the one hand I love the idea of thinning things out. We try to do that anytime we move to some extent. But it can be really hard to part with some things. And a lot of our furnishings are family heirlooms of Karin's. So it makes it challenging. One very good thing about this move is that we will have four weeks from the date of possession of the new place until we have to vacate this house. So we can gradually take over car loads of stuff and then only have to move the large pieces at the end. Oh another downside about the move; basically going to have to pay double rent for October. Will be paying for both places! Yuck. That's why Karin will wait to leave her job for a few weeks so we can cover that.

We are done being slaves to a house. We are done being slave labor to those who are greedy with their profits. We are done with not having the energy to enjoy life. We are done fighting stupid battles. Life is too short and we were meant to be happy!

Welcome to my world; have a seat, enjoy a beverage & let the show begin. :)

2010-09-15T13:14:00.000-07:00

I decided to start a blog as a way to both stretch my writing muscles and to tear down, brick by brick, the walls I've spent most of my life building. I have lots of secrets! I've practically made a career of hiding myself from the world. I've decided that all this self-censorship weighs me down; keeps me from being my truest self. I have lots of stories to tell. And hopefully, I'll learn a few new things about myself as I write. I like that idea very much! When I set up this blog I put it into the adult content category because at some point I will include things of an adult nature. I don't see that being frequent though. When I do, I'll always put a disclaimer of some sort at the beginning....I promise!

So you may be wondering what the title of my blog means. I have this phrase tattooed on me. So I hear the question a lot. My first feeling at being asked what it means is that if you have to ask, you probably aren't going to get it anyway. And I kind of hate trying to explain it. It's intensely personal to me. It's a long story/short story thing where I could just give you the short story but you wouldn't get the depth of it's meaning to me. But to give you the long story would be ridiculously long winded and more than likely boring for you. I'd like to avoid that.

So short story is that while in a group therapy setting, we were given the task of creating a poster board depicting visualizations of our dream life; concrete and non-concrete things. We went through bunches of magazines to find pictures & words that we could cut out and use. I found this ad in a magazine that was for some RV association. The ad showed a couple inside their RV with a huge picture window out the back of it. Behind them was the most picturesque landscape ever. The kind that makes you think "I want to go THERE!". The tag line in the ad was something to the effect that life should be about the "goosebumps, tingly sensations & butterflies"; those moments that make you feel connected to the energy of life. Well, I had just left behind a life of doing the things that brought OTHER people those moments but that mostly missed the mark for myself. Taking those words to heart meant that for me, from then on, I wanted to be sure that I was filling my life with those kinds of moments.

I'm glad I got it tattooed on myself. It really does serve to keep reminding me. Everyday life has a way of distracting you from your dreams and numbing out the "goosebumps". But that phrase keeps me focused on the good stuff; the meaningful stuff. The stuff of my dreams.